Winter Wonderland?

Two winters ago I had mild depression and anaemia. It would take me half an hour to make my bed. I lived in a house with no heating, so I spent most of winter huddled over a fan heater and crying. I was tired and lethargic and I hated it.

Last winter I was depressed again, far worse than the previous year. It would have taken me half an hour to make my bed if I'd been at the point where I was even able to think about doing any kind of housework. I was tired and lethargic and I didn't care.

Now it's nearly June and the weather is getting cold. A few days ago I realised I was starting to slide into some pre-depression behaviours. I'm tending towards avoiding contact with people; I haven't been to church in four weeks; I'm finding cooking to be more of an effort than normal so I'm not eating well; my general anxiety levels have increased; I'm not sleeping much; I'm occasionally bad tempered and I'm sometimes having trouble making decisions.

This sounds like a bad thing, but actually it's good news... because this is the first time I've been able to recognise the signs that might lead to depression before becoming depressed. Life might still be a bit of a struggle as the weather gets colder but I don't think I'll be depressed this winter. Things are looking up.

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Insomnia (written at 2.46am)

Over the past year I've had insomnia quite a lot... and it's a weird feeling. If it happens enough I start to feel like I'm in a completely different universe. Whatever happened during the day ceases to have relevance; and day and night haunt each other, particularly when I'm half asleep and it becomes difficult to tell what is a dream and what is real. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who's awake. Maybe I'm the only one alive - everything starts to feel a bit surreal and my entire world shrinks to the size of my mattress as I toss and turn and look at the clock. No time moves as slowly as time spent in a futile attempt to fall asleep.

A sleepless sigh is breathed out
to mingle with faltering echoes
of conscious thought.

Waking thoughts wander and dance
with dreams that long for sleep
to bear them life.

Treacle-slow night slumps silent
and immovable; and holds me captive
on my lonely island.

ADA Month

October is Beyond Blue's Anxiety and Depression Awareness Month, this week (although it's nearly over) is National Mental Health Week and TODAY is World Mental Health Day.

I never thought this would be something I'd need to advertise, because mental health was never on my radar... until being diagnosed with depression last year. Even then I was able to continue in denial for quite some time because it was 'mild to moderate' depression, which meant counselling alone was an appropriate treatment. Things got worse earlier this year and I spent a number of months being unable to cook or clean or do many things that I enjoy. And I do mean physically unable - there is just no way I could force myself to do things, even if I wanted to. I have a vivid memory of wanting to do some painting (which means I was having a relatively good day), getting out some of my painting gear and then realising I would have to fill my water container, and then refill it when the water got dirty. It sounds ridiculous but that one thing made the whole task impossibly overwhelming for me. Often it is just one thing that blocks us.

I didn't realise at the time that I was seeing a counsellor who wasn't helping me (ie, she was actually making things worse... I know several people who've stopped seeing her for similar reasons as me) so I kept perservering with it without seeing my doctor again. Part of it was that I didn't want to admit I was worse because I'd been seeing a counsellor for nearly a year. I was supposed to be better! Eventually a dear friend took me out to lunch and firmly told me I HAD to see my doctor. Unfortunately the anti-depressant my doctor prescribed caused a reaction so bad I had to call an ambulance in the middle of the night, but that doesn't mean I was wrong to see her, nor that the prescription was wrong. It really was just one of those freak things, and despite the outcome I should have gone to my doctor a long time before I did. I ended up changing counsellors and that made a huge difference. I started to feel a lot better several weeks after I started seeing her, so much so that I didn't need to try another anti-depressant - but I acknowledge that's certainly not the norm. Even for me it wasn't overnight.

Now that I'm feeling so much better I'm realising that I was actually mildly depressed for a long time, - probably three or four years - and I'd just developed coping mechanisms. Eventually the coping mechanisms no longer worked for me and so I slid into a deeper depression. I think that if I'd been more aware of depression... if depression didn't still have a stigma... then I would have sought help a lot earlier. And this is why I'm now keen to support Beyond Blue and similar organisations, and why I'm keen to get the word out about depression and mental health.

Book review - Writing as a Way of Healing

Currently I'm reading a book called Writing as a Way of Healing: how telling our stories transforms our lives, by Louise DeSalvo. Possibly I shouldn't review it yet as I'm not quite finished reading it but it's so good I couldn't wait to share it.

The book talks about writing (journalling, fiction, biographical narrative) as a way of working through trauma. The author is very careful to note that this should never be the only method; she strongly suggests that people should have good support structures in place, including counselling, when working through things. What I found very interesting about 'writing through pain' is this: studies have shown that not all forms of writing are beneficial and some may actually be slightly harmful. She draws heavily on the studies of psychologist James Pennebaker, who did a writing study with three groups of university students. He asked all three groups to write about a significant event that they'd never shared with anyone before. The first group was instructed to write only about the events; the second group was instructed to write only about their feelings; and the third group was instructed to write about what happened and the way they felt about what happened. Pennebaker found that the third group almost without exception reported that they believed writing about the events and their feelings helped them to resolve their feelings and work through the pain of the event. Additionally, the third group reported fewer visits to doctors and fewer illnesses after the writing task, while the second group, who wrote only about their feelings, reported more illnesses and medical visits.

DeSalvo gives good, practical advice in this book. The first section of the book is devoted to explaining the benefits of writing and explaining how to write in ways that are beneficial, including how to get started. That section was helpful because for some people the events are so traumatic that they don't feel able to write about it at all. The author addresses that and has good suggestions for how to write about other things that will lead slowly to the event in question, or how to write about other aspects of the trauma.

The second section of the book is practical advice about writing itself, including planning, writing every day even when you don't feel like it, writing without inspiration, and keeping a journal about the writing process. She debunks myths like the idea that books appear fully formed in a writer's head, that writing should only happen when one has a great idea, and that if writing is difficult it means you're not a real writer and should stop.

Readers of my private blog will know that I've been dealing with some significant issues in my personal life and I'm only a little way into the healing process. Obviously I've always found writing helpful (2 blogs and several journals on the go at the same time will testify to that) but writing in the way suggested in this book has been enormously helpful to me. Once I got started I couldn't stop and I can definitely see the difference between writing in this structured way and just pouring out my feelings. There's a place for pouring out feelings but ultimately it doesn't resolve things. The type of writing I've been doing while reading this book has been helping me begin to grieve, finally, some traumas that happened a long time ago. It's going to be a long process and I don't think writing alone should be the only method of healing (I definitely needed to debrief with my counsellor after some things) but I'm finding it an extremely beneficial addition to the mix of help I've been utilising.

You can check out the book here... although if you plan to buy it I would suggest searching on Bookfinder or AbeBooks for a cheaper copy.

Inside my head...

Crazy sleep patterns

I'm sooooo sick of having stupid, all-over-the-place sleep patterns. I've had insomnia for about a year - but not of the 'can't get to sleep' variety or even the 'get the sleep but wake up and can't get back to sleep' variety... mine has been the 'get to sleep, wake up 60 or 90 minutes later for five minutes or so, get back to sleep, wake up 60 or 90 minutes later for five minutes or so, rinse, repeat' variety. Basically I'm just getting into deep sleep then waking up again. And a few times there I had some nights of not getting to sleep at all until 4 or 5am but that didn't happen too often. Lately, however, it's been heaps better and I've been sleeping fairly normally. That is, until this weekend.... although it started so well! On Friday night I slept for about nine hours and it was great. Okay, I woke up a couple of times but I probably still had about 6 hours uninterrupted. Sadly, this obviously utterly confused my body because on Saturday night (Sunday morning) I didn't get to sleep until 3.30am. And last night it was about midnight but I woke up 4 times between midnight and 6.20am.

Therefore, I'm so tired today that I'm barely functioning. Yippee.

Study, work and sanity

Another boring update... Firstly, I love my new job. It's exactly what I needed, when I needed it. (Hmmm.... is it possible God IS in control after all??) I have a large degree of autonomy - ie, I can do whatever I like in whatever manner I choose so long as the work gets done. I have already developed a good relationship with the minister so I feel very good about working there.

Secondly, uni. After some agonising I decided to take a complete break from study. I realised I was hating it, and treating Honours like a prison sentence that had to be survived. Given how much I used to enjoy studying, that was very sad, and not at all the way I wanted to approach uni, so I have applied to withdraw in good standing. This means my Honours credits will stay there for ten years and I can return any time within that ten years and pick up where I left off. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm very happy with my decision. I've been getting mixed reactions from people though. Here's a sample:

"About time you made that decision - I thought you should have quit months ago. Now make sure you get out there and start having a life."

"It's a good decision so long as it's only a short break and you go back to what you were doing soon, instead of leaving it for too long."

"You're just doing a 20hr/week admin job now? But what do you want to do with your life?"

"Staying well and keeping sane and safe is a good thing. Honours is good but not worth being crazy for."

"Can you survive on that amount of money?"

"I really hope to work with you again and am sad you're leaving, but you've made the right decision. Looking after yourself is the most important thing."

"But what do you want to do with your life?"

"But what do you want to do with your life?"

"But what..." (you get the idea...)

I can understand the "what do you want to do with your life" question and I probably would have asked it myself if I hadn't had the experiences of the past year. But now I feel differently and I'm not so goal-oriented. Or perhaps I just realised that I was aiming for the wrong goals.

In addition to the church admin job, which is 2.5 days per week, I've kept two of my cleaning jobs. They're both fortnightly on a Monday so I have one cleaning job per week. It's a little extra cash which I don't entirely need, but it helps to get it because I'm paid monthly in the new job... getting the cleaning money weekly will help me survive on the months when I don't budget very well!

Finally, my mental health. Well, my emotions continue to be up and down but the general trend is upwards. There are far fewer really horrendous days and overall I feel a lot more in control of things. Counselling is helping a lot, and pulling out of uni has made a big difference too. When I saw my psychologist this week she said, "You're smiling! It's so great to see you looking a bit happier... you're like a different person. It's a huge change; you have no idea." I said, "Oh yeah, I have an idea!" I'm still working through a whole lot of stuff and I don't feel like I'm my old self yet... but I don't think I'm going to be my old self anyway. There are some things I'm throwing away and there are some things that are healing but leaving scars. I'll be okay in the end, but I can't be the same person. Maybe that's a good thing.