"If you sit on my lap today..."

I put up my Christmas tree this evening (to the great fascination of my cat) and, as is traditional with me, put on the DVD of the Rankin-Bass animation "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town", with the voices of Fred Astaire and Micky Rooney.  I love Rankin-Bass animation, particularly the stop motion animation, and have collected a few DVDs as they've become available. They were mostly done in the late 60s/early 70s so they're not as politically correct as some animated films produced today. I realised just how much times have changed as I listened to one of the songs, sung by Kris Kringle when he first goes to Sombertown to give gifts to the children.  The chorus goes: "If you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you'll pay..."

Strangely, that song is often missing when the show airs on television. Go figure.
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I have reached a certain age

It's happened. I've reached an age where I looked at a particular product and thought, "Hmmm... there's a handy little item..."

The item? It was this:

Yep, I bought a "tv tray". Actually it's called the Table-Mate II. I have no idea how it differs from the Table-Mate I but I'm sure it's infinitely superior. I bought it so I can comfortably use my laptop whilst sitting on the lounge and it's great for that purpose. However... the pictures on the box are a little off-putting.

They all look a bit sad, don't they? One lonely little person, sitting there all alone on a HUGE lounge, eating a solitary meal or reading a book, using their handy tray table.

When I start eating TV dinners by the comforting blue glow of my television I'll know for sure that buying this table was the beginning of the end.
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Bits and pieces

Various things that have passed across my mind and horizon this week...

*  Ducted heating is possibly the most wonderful thing ever invented. It's been COLD here. If I had a job where I could work from home I don't think I would have left my bed all week.  There was at least one night where I got into bed with a book, stuck my feet under my hot water bottle (with its fleecy cover), picked up my cup of tea and sighed happily... aaaahhhh. Wow - who knew I would turn into a little old lady so early?

*  Last night I cooked risotto for my home group (Bible study group). It was very delicious... but possibly less so after I threw in a large handful of shaved parmesan and then realised it was green. Euww! Thankfully the risotto was about porridge consistency so it was easy to scrape a layer off the top and remove it.

*  I've been watching Elizabeth I with Helen Mirren. She is sublime. Enough said.  I've also been re-watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Really, could they have found someone who looks less like a hobbit than Elijah Wood? He's far too pretty to be a hobbit.

*  My new (temporary) boss is lovely but doesn't know the meaning of the phrase 'personal space'. Unfortunately I hate having my personal space invaded without invitation, which means we do this little dance where my boss comes to speak with me, I back off because he's standing too close, he comes closer because I've moved away, I back off again, he comes closer, etc etc. I suppose it's good exercise, if nothing else.

*  Yesterday my cat took her toilet fetish one step further and stood on the unopened packet of toilet paper in order to stick her head and paws right inside the bowl. As I watched her leaning in with her head directly under the bit where the water is released into the bowl I have to confess it took all my willpower not to press the flush button. (I promise that if I do succumb to the temptation I shall wait until I have my camera handy...)

*  The new Star Trek film was immensely satisfying, but I realised the extent of my geekness when the camera panned across the prow of the Enterprise and I smiled in delight to see 'NCC-1701'. Hmmm... yeah. Geeks ahoy.

*  Shopping, shopping, shopping... this week I bought three pairs of jeans for $75. Total, not each. Fabulous.  I'm also going to a favourite wool shop on Saturday and then to Ikea on Tuesday. Be still, my beating heart.

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Rules for sci-fi television

I've had a few days off recently and it's been coupled with a bit of insomnia so I've managed to get through quite a few episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's cheesy and the first couple of seasons are awful - I've said many times that if you can get through Season 1 of Star Trek: TNG then you can get through almost anything. It's truly craptastic. Having watched so many episodes in a row I think I've become a bit of an expert on the rules for portraying either the future of humanity or an alien race on television.

1. The Small Government Rule
The entire planet may consist of several continents and contain 15 billion people (or creatures), but it is ruled by a central government consisting of 3 or 4 people. All decisions, affecting the entire planet, will be made by these people. If the planet does not have free elections then one of the government leaders will definitely be a power-hungry dictator who is madder than a cut snake.

2. The Homogenous Culture Rule
Everyone in the future is super tolerant and PC, and accepting of all different alien cultures. There is, however, absolutely NO cultural diversity or difference within individual planets. All creatures of the same alien race will dress alike, follow the same religious beliefs and build their houses on roughly the same pattern.

3. The Tailored Savages Rule
The more 'primitive' and violent the culture, the more elaborate their cultural dress. Aliens who enjoy ripping other cultures limb from limb seem to want to clothe themselves in many layers of leather, buckles, furs, padded shoulders and sharp, angular accessories.... because when you're in a bloody, hand-to-hand battle, you want to spend 30 minutes doing up buckles and making sure your animal-talon hair accessory is straight, right?

4. The Highbrow Humanity Rule
In the future, humans have 'evolved' beyond such crass entertainment as television or movies. Fortunately, in the future there is enough classical music, literature, art and the occasional highbrow play to suit everyone. And of course these things will suit everyone since in the future we are all interested in the same things (see The Homogenous Culture Rule).

5. The Cross-Species Breeding Rule
With the advent of space travel, more and more alien cultures are meeting other interesting alien cultures. As luck would have it, most cultures are roughly humanoid in shape and almost all seem to have sexual practices and genetics that are compatible with each other. This means that virtually any alien species can cross-breed with another. The fact that this is approximately equivalent to a canary successfully breeding with a labrador has apparently escaped everyone's notice, despite the fact that everyone in the future is a scientist in their spare time. The resultant offspring of this cross-breeding catastrophe won't favour one parent or the other; they will always look like a 50/50 mix of both parents.

6. The Random Numbering Rule
At some point, all the planets across several galaxies got together (possibly at some huge intergalactic freshman mixer) and thought, "Hey, you know what? It would be really fun if we all numbered our planets as well as naming them." This resulted in a proliferation of planets named things like Earwax 4 and Wobblybutt 8. The numbers are arbitrary since no one has ever heard of Earwax 1-3 or Wobblybutt 1-7. The exception to this rule is Earth, of course. We don't need a number... we're Number One!

I'm sure there are plenty more rules... feel free to add your own in the comments. :)
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Perspectives

I met a new friend recently. NOT just a new friend; a fellow West Wing fan - these things are important! As it turns out we have some other things in common too, including the fact that we're both dealing with the effects of some ugly stuff in childhood. Our stories are not the same by any means but there are some common threads.

I was around at her house on the weekend to watch some West Wing... we got through half an episode (I know - and we call ourselves fans!) and spend most of the evening chatting instead. At one point my friend asked how long I'd been seeing a counsellor. I said it's been about 18 months: 10 months with Bad Counsellor and 8 months with Good Counsellor (yes, that's how they're designated in my head). My friend said, "You're amazing. You've come so far in such a short time!"

This threw me entirely for a minute. Let me give this some context... I would estimate that there are about 1 in 5 counselling sessions where I say things like I never expected to be in counselling for this long; I feel like I'm doing something wrong because my progress is so slow and half the time I feel like I'm going backwards; I feel stupid that I talk about the same things week after week and don't seem to be getting anywhere; and I feel like I'm never going to feel any different from the way I feel now. So to hear someone say I've come "so far" was surprising. It reminded me that most of the time I have very little perspective about any of this. Often I feel like I'm approaching counselling from a reactionary stance. Things come up and I talk about them; and while I'm dealing with the Crisis Of The Week I forget to look and see how the thing I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW, that seems like the only thing in the world, fits into the bigger picture.

You all know I hate using the word 'journey' in relation to counselling and healing, but (yes, I'm going to do it) I'm afraid I can't escape the fact that it IS a journey. If I don't look back occasionally at where I've been then I get caught up in the urgent and start thinking I haven't taken any forward steps at all. Similarly, if I don't have at least some idea of what 'better' looks like it makes it very hard to work towards getting there.

I don't know that I want to use the word 'amazing' just yet, but it was good to get someone else's perspective. I have a long way to go and most times I have only the vaguest idea of where I'm going anyway, but in all that I shouldn't lose sight of how far I've come.
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What a bunch of losers

Yes, it's that time of year again - Biggest Loser season.  I confess, I am addicted to this show.  No, not for the inspirational stories of people working on the issues that made them put on weight in the first place; I am addicted to it because it's SO bad that I can't look away.  It is the train wreck of train wrecks.  Where they find these people I have no idea but, apart from the occasional delightful person (who is never the winner), the Biggest Loser house is filled with the fish that John West Big Brother rejected.

I believe their most endearing quality is their naivety.  I'm going to have to assume they've seen the show before in order to have applied, yet still in the first week they say things like, "We all went into the weigh-in room and I couldn't believe that we'd have to weigh ourselves! I've never revealed my weight to anyone - not even my husband!"  Seriously, you didn't realise you have to weigh yourself on a weight loss show?  And you didn't want to tell your husband your weight but you're okay with revealing it to thousands of strangers on national television?

The first week also sees the contestants expressing shock that they've been asked to exercise.  Anyone who's seen even a snippet of the show knows that there are crazy-eyed trainers who make people exercise until they vomit (which is then filmed in slow-mo for the enjoyment of all) yet they still say, "I thought they'd go easy on us in the first week because we're fat."  Yeah... your weight is kind of the point, here.

My favourite type of contestant is the one who forms an alliance in the first week but isn't smart enough to work out that the alliance is not in their favour.  This year it's a 'couples' format, so there are sisters, brothers, married couples, best mates, workmates etc.  The brothers team is made up of one scheming, obnoxious, arrogant brother who, as we saw last night, will screw over his own brother to be in control; and one younger brother who follows his big brother around like a puppy and thinks the sun shines out of his... ears.  They are clearly getting the 'villian' edit from the producers but I get the feeling it's pretty justified.  The thing is, though, these boys are powerhouses.  They are incredibly strong and determined to get their own way so at the moment they're pretty much unstoppable.  Early on they formed an alliance with the 'sisters' team, which was comprised of two lazy, whiny, unpleasant girls who appeared to have no clue what was going on but thought they were smarter than everyone else.  They're also the lightest people in the house, which means they have virtually no chance of winning the show.  They formed an alliance with, you guessed it, the brothers.  They kept saying, "They've promised to take us through to the finale."  It apparently never once occurred to them that the brothers would want to take the weakest, lightest couple to the finale so they can beat them.  Thankfully the sisters won $10,000 in a challenge last week and coincidentally decided they'd had enough of, you know, exercising and eating right, so they asked to be voted off.  They were.  Bye, sisters - it was fun to hate you but I'm happy not to see your miserable faces on my TV anymore.

The producers of this show apparently think they're targeting it to the Alzheimers demographic, so they constantly replay what we just saw, like, 45 seconds ago.  And in case we missed the replay they show two or three interviews with contestants where they commentate the thing we've already seen twice.  So most nights go a little bit like this:

Shot of Contestant 1 walking into the kitchen and finding a letter on the table addressed to the contestants.
Contestant 1 (interview): I walked into the kitchen and saw a letter on the table addressed to the contestants. I had no idea what to expect.
Contestant 1 (live): Hey guys, come into the kitchen. We have a letter.
Contestant 2 (live): We have a letter? Who's it from?
Contestant 2 (interview): Yeah, Contestant 1 called us into the kitchen and said there was a letter addressed to us.  I had no idea what to expect.  I asked who it was from.
Commercial break.
Contestant 1 (interview):  So earlier today I walked into the kitchen and on the table was this letter. I didn't know what to expect, so I picked it up and saw it was addressed to the contestants.
Replay of footage of Contestant 1 walking into the kitchen and finding a letter on the table addressed to the contestants.
Contestant 3 (interview):  This morning Contestant 2 came upstairs and told us that Contestant 1 had found a letter in the kitchen. And it was addressed to us!  I didn't know what to expect.  These things are never good news.
Footage from last week showing another contestant finding a letter in the kitchen.
End of episode.  Tune in tomorrow for a rehash of everything we've just seen... and if you're lucky they might even open the letter.

Ah, reality TV.  You turn my brain to mush and make me want to put my foot through the television... yet how I love you.
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Less-than-subliminal messaging

Clearly the government's message about water conservation/Target 155 has started to sink in. Well, after more than ten years of drought I suppose it had to sink in eventually. I realised just how well it had sunk in tonight as I watched an episode of NCIS** on DVD. Two of the characters were investigating an abandoned house. There was a camera shot out the window from inside the kitchen, which showed the kitchen tap leaking... drip, drip, drip. I looked at it uncomfortably and thought, "Oh dear - all that water being wasted!"


**I am, by the way, rapidly becoming addicted to NCIS. I borrowed the first three seasons from a friend and... well, you may not hear from me for a while, that's all I'm saying.

Stupid. No, air stupid.

I was watching 20 to 1 tonight (give me a break - my other choices were America's Next Top Model or Hot Property... or the news which I'd already seen).  Anyway, tonight it was 20 truly stupid acts. Some of them were too disgusting to mention (they involved maggots; that's all I'm saying) but one of them really made me laugh. It was the Air Guitar Championships.  I don't know where I've been but I had no idea this event existed. 

The most hilarious thing about it was how seriously these people took it.  Well, some of them.  If you follow the link there is a Conan O'Brien interview with the guy who came second in the world championships.  I may be reading it wrong but it seemed like his answers were very tongue-in-cheek (like when he said he didn't like 'air flute' because it looks silly).

What I'd really like to see is some true commitment to air guitar.  At the championships these guys stand there and then start playing. I would be more impressed if they walked on stage with their air guitar-case, opened it, took out the air guitar, plugged it in to the air amplifier, maybe spent some time tuning it and THEN started playing.  And maybe the favourite could be unexpectedly knocked out of the competition in a shocking incident where one of his air guitar air-strings breaks during a crucial riff.

If you're thinking, "Yeah, but that's America... lots of weird things happen in a country that big and rich", then let me point you to the Air Guitar Australia website.  On the front page there are links not only to the Australian Air Guitar Championships but also (wait for it) the Lip Synch Championships, the Thumb Wrestling Championships AND the Rock Paper Scissors Championships.

Wow, Geek Central.  Truly, I am giddy.

Carol who?

I'm watching Carols in the Domain right now (on the television obviously, since the Domain is in Sydney and I'm in Melbourne). In the true tradition of stripping all religion out of a religious holiday, we've seen some pretty bizzare things at this yearly event - for a few years there they had a love affair with The Circle of Life, which is somewhat weird for a Christmas event. Particularly notable, though, was the year they had a couple singing Amazing Grace to each other like a love song. I kid you not.

All of this this makes me wonder what the singers and the audience think about the words of the 'traditional' carols (a few of which still get sung at these events). This is an event where God never gets a mention, and Jesus certainly doesn't, yet they still sing words like these:

He rules the world with truth and grace,
and makes the nations prove
the glories of his righteousness
and wonders of his love.
(Joy to the World)

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark street shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight.
(O Little Town of Bethlehem)

...Man will live forever more because of Christmas Day.
(Mary's Boy Child)

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Til he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
(O Holy Night)

Watching this carols event I keep hearing the phrase "spirit of Christmas", by which they seem to mean 'family' or 'love' or 'togetherness' or whatever. It's all about being generous and being nice to each other. None of these things are bad... but is this what Christmas is really about? What do the songs say?

• God is righteous, loving, truthful, glorious and wonderful; and he rules the world.
• Jesus is the culmination of all humanity's hopes and fears.
• The world lay in sin and error, without hope until Jesus appeared.
• Because of Jesus, we can live forever.

I am so sick of this watering-down of Christmas. Don't tell me "we need to be inclusive". I don't ask Jewish people to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Happy Hannukah" because I think their religious holiday should include Christians also. Christmas is a Christian celebration. Yes, I'm fully aware that Jesus was not born on December 25; I'm also aware that Christians originally chose this date to coincide with a pagan festival. Those things don't change the fact that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. Where did we get the idea that leaving Christianity in Christmas means we're not being inclusive? Christmas is all about inclusion... it's about God coming to earth as a man - and growing up, living and dying on our behalf so that everyone has the opportunity to be part of God's family.

I know some people will find this offensive, but frankly, I find it extremely offensive to be asked to say "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" when I want to be celebrating God's amazing love to us. "Joy to the world; the Lord has come!"
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Trollope

I've just been watching a BBC adaptation of Anthony Trollope's The Way We Live Now. It's typical excellent quality BBC stuff and I'm enjoying it... but I've been driven mad trying to work out who plays Marie Melmotte. I knew her voice but couldn't place it, so I went to imdb. She's played by Shirley Henderson, who also played Moaning Myrtle in two of the Harry Potter films. What I found surprising is that Shirley Henderson is 5 years older than me - which means that when she played Moaning Myrtle she was 37 the first time and 40 the second time. She obviously got the gig for her squeaky little voice (that appears to be genuine) but still... it's just unbelievable that she could get away with playing a 14(ish) year old schoolgirl at forty. FORTY!

Two of a kind

SBS replayed one of their Insight specials tonight - "Two of a kind" - which is about twins. My mum is an identical twin so I found the show really interesting. It's a fact that twins do tend to do things like finish each other's sentences... what's interesting is how some twins really fight against it and others try to enhance it. Most of the twins on the show were fairly 'normal', so to speak, but there was one set of twin girls who were just weird. Weird! They dress alike, sleep in the same room (they're in their 30s) and won't date unless they both date... ie, they're looking for best mates or twins. They speak in unison ALL the time. I know from my mum and aunt that the twin relationship is special ('strange' is another word for it!) but these girls took it waaaay beyond even the strangest twin relationship. It was kind of creepy.

One thing that was very revealing was when a guest psychologist mentioned an incident of when he was chatting with a 65 year old twin who said, "I love my husband and my children, but I love my twin more than anyone else in the world." The host of the program looked surprised... and even more surprised when most of the twins in the audience started nodding in agreement. One twin said, "If I were on the Titanic and could only save one person it would be my twin.... because you wouldn't leave yourself behind." This was no surprise to me - I've known for years that my aunt and mum would choose each other over their husbands. It's a twin thing and there's no explaining it rationally.

Beauty and the Geek

I've never seen this show before (and tuned in for the last episode, so I'm unlikely to work it all out) but the basic premise seems to be that several beautiful girls are matched up with several awkward, geeky guys and... I don't know, there's some element of competition that I haven't worked out. I was watching it thinking, "Clearly they're editing the show to make the girls look as dumb as possible." Then one of the girls, in talking about the whole experience, said, "The sum of the parts is greater than the end product." Okaaay... perhaps not just the editing.

Reclaiming the news

YouTube clip of Mika Brzezinski refusing to read the Paris Hilton prison release story as the lead news story, on the basis that it's not real news and shouldn't be the lead story on a news program. Apparently her inbox was later flooded with e-mails - every single one of them applauding her actions.

Star Trek and religion

Look, I know that Star Trek isn't real - I do! - but I watched an episode today that had me absolutely incensed. It was a TNG episode, Klingon-centric, where a character called Kahless (not sure of the spelling) returns after hundreds of years. He was a warrior who promised to return to unite the Klingon people, and he returned at that particular time because of the faith of his followers. So, like a very hairy, aggressive Jesus, I guess. Anyway, the leader of the government doesn't want to give up power to this guy claiming to be Kahless, so some investigation is done and it turns out Kahless is a clone, although given memories of the original, long-dead Kahless, so in fact he thinks he's the real deal.

The part that made me so angry is that they decide to appoint him Emperor, even though he's a clone, and let him work side-by-side with the current head of government in order to maintain peace. Someone asks what they should tell the faithful followers and is told (I'm paraphrasing from memory), "We shall tell them the truth. It doesn't matter that he's a clone; the important thing is that they have something to believe in." Star Trek is well known for disliking religion, and thus making sure that any examples of true faithfulness are only shown in non-human or 'backward' races, so it's obvious this episode was aimed at Christians. Actually, even if it wasn't, the idea that any religion would be happy with a FAKE deity, just so long as they have someone to worship, is so offensive. Faith is not about the rituals or the need to believe in something; it is (in the case of Christianity) about following the true and living God. It's about turning away from all of the fake stuff, not about accepting anyone who happens to have the right smile and appropriate leadership qualities.

Okay, maybe I take this stuff too seriously, but it alarms me how this kind of thinking is taking over. If people think WE are willing to follow anyone or anything then it sends a clear message that it doesn't matter what people believe. If it's all about the faith and not the object of the faith, then you can believe anything you like, and everyone is right. However, MY religion says that there is a God, there is a heaven and there is a hell, and the only way to reach one and avoid the other is by accepting Jesus' sacrifice on our behalf. Not by being good or by performing rituals, just by faith in Jesus. If YOUR religion says that it doesn't matter and all roads lead to God, then clearly one of us is wrong. If I'm wrong, that's no problem because my road will lead to God just as surely as yours. But... what if I'm right?