Don't even ask...

There's a convoluted explanation for how this memory reappeared in my head, so don't even bother asking. It's really not important. Just enjoy the story.

When I was in my first year of high school we had sex education/puberty lessons in health class. These days they do it earlier, since kids tend to develop earlier, but in those days it was first year of high school and there were plenty of kids who had no idea about any of this stuff so there were lots of questions. To combat embarrassment we were invited to write questions down and drop them in the question box, with the assurance that they'd all be answered the following week.

The next week rolled around and the teacher brought in the box of questions. She pulled out the first one and said, "I assume that this question was meant to say 'what happens if you are playing sport on the field and menstruation occurs?'.... but what this person wrote was 'what happens if you are playing sport on the field and masturbation occurs?'... [she paused briefly, then deadpanned]... and my answer to that is, I can only suggest you get off the sports field as quickly as possible!"
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And even more LOLz...

...because it's a great way to procrastinate when the writing gets a bit hard...

More LOLz

So, Crazy Sister started it and then Givinya threw down the challenge... and since I love LOLcats, I had to join in. (Particularly since I have an actual cat which, I hasten to point out, is the same breed as the original LOLcat.)

Heh. So anyway, here is my contribution.

God made me crazy

Some months ago a friend of mine started seeing the same counsellor I see. As my friend doesn't drive I offered to take her there for appointments, and her sessions are generally in the evenings so we have dinner together at my house beforehand. We've also just completed the Anxiety Management course I mentioned a couple of weeks ago.... all up my friend and I have spent quite a bit of time together recently. Tonight I remarked that the great thing about this is that we've got to know each other a lot better, which I think we've both enjoyed.

I feel sure that God had a hand in pushing together two friends with similar insecurities into a situation where they can support each other and have fun too. Isn't that great? God made me crazy so I could make more friends! Hehe. (It's okay - you're allowed to laugh. God has a great sense of humour. Truly.)
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Random funny stuff

I usually don't just do a cut-and-paste from emails but this was so very funny... I laughed so loud at some of them I scared my cat. These are supposedly random thoughts from 20-35 year olds...

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem …

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@$tard before dinner.
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Starbucks church

This is hilarious... I only wish it weren't familiar!





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Ripped-off joke #9

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanhyfryddawellehynafolybaarcudprindanfygy, they stopped for lunch and asked the waitress "before we order, can you please settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The waitress leans over and says "burrr - gerrr - king"

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Bliss

Is there anything better on a cold night than a shower so hot that after a while you idly wonder if that feeling in your shoulders is actually your skin starting to blister? Okay, there are probably many things better than that but right now I can't think of any. Ahhhhhh..... felt so good....

And conversely...

Is there anything worse than dragging yourself out of bed on your day off - after a rather late night and when it's cold and rainy - to go to a counselling session only to find that your counsellor forgot to tell you that she needed to cancel today's session because she was out at a seminar? I drove up and thought, "No cars in the driveway. That's odd. Maybe her car is in for repairs... oh look, the blinds in the house are shut... and all the lights are off... hmmm..." I rang the doorbell in vain; there was no one home. A few text messages later and the mix-up was revealed - and my counsellor rang this afternoon to apologise 200 or so times and ask if I wanted to reschedule, so it's all good.

I wasn't upset and thought it was kind of funny but I still think I should be able to get some great mileage out of it with my counsellor. Mileage, and maybe chocolate. My appointment was changed to tomorrow night, so that gives me all day tomorrow to build a great story about how abandoned I felt and how much this has hindered the healing process. Ooh, and I'll mention trust; that's sure to be worth a Freddo or two.

Awesome. Off I go to Google "how to cry on cue"...

Edit: My lovely, generous counsellor - who, coincidentally, might just be reading this... because I might have promised I would clear her name after slandering her on my blog :-) - gave me a giant-sized Caramello Koala tonight. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I emailled her and just "happened" to mention that I like Caramellos.

So, to a certain sometimes forgetful but otherwise great counsellor - I don't use names on this blog but you know who you are :

THANK YOU!

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The Geek Inside

Today I took myself out for a coffee after church and sat reading The Body Remembers, the book I mentioned in a previous post. It's a book written for therapists and it's rather technical and detailed in parts so I was concentrating quite hard whilst reading it. Here's how my thoughts ran today:

"Hmmm... well that's interesting... yes, I can see that.... gosh, I hadn't realised that before... oh dear, I don't think I would have used a semi-colon there... yes, this part definitely relates to me..."

That's right. In the middle of reading something that's helping me to learn what's going on in the deepest parts of me I still managed to notice a questionable semi-colon.

Yep. Not sure whether to laugh or cry now...
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A-Z of hideous murders

Lately I've been having some issues with a particular person. It's not really appropriate to say more here, but I'll just say that it's been causing me a fair amount of anxiety, as well as sleeplessness. I caught up with some friends today and talked about many things. One friend mentioned a technique she uses when anxiety doesn't allow her to sleep - she picks a subject (say, fruit/veges) and tries to find an example for every letter of the alphabet.

Apple
Banana
Corn
D... ummm... well, you get the idea.

This seemed reasonable. I thought about it for a bit, then said, "That's good, but instead of fruit I think I might imagine 26 different ways to kill the person with whom I have the problem..." Much hilarity ensued as we tried to come up with imaginative methods of murder. It was fun and great stress relief.

Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section.

Arsenic
Bludgeoning
Crushed by a boulder
Drowning
Elephant stampede
Fire
Gas leak
Hydrochloric acid
Igloo collapse (in case this person tries to hide out in Antarctica)
Javelin
Impaled on a Kite
Lion attack
Drowning in chocolate Mousse (well, any flavour would do)
Nail gun
Orbital sander
Paintball attack gone horribly wrong
Choking to death on Quail
Thrown into the Rapids of a River (ooh, double points)
Stabbing
Hit by a falling Tree
Umbrella
Pushed into a Vegan restaurant with steak strapped to their body
Thrown over a Waterfall
Multiple X-rays without the lead apron (well, sure, this one would take a while)
Yachting accident
Some terrible incident involving a Zipper. Or a Zebra. I'm flexible.

Disclaimer: I do NOT, under any circumstances, condone murder... nor throwing people to the mercy of angry vegans, for that matter.
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Cause and effect

I'm no scientist, but I think it works like this:

Cause: Tell a couple of friends that since buying the enormous cat tree I haven't caught Sophie sleeping on the dining table (where she's not allowed).

Effect: Come home immediately after this conversation and find Sophie sleeping on the dining table (where she's not allowed).

Cause: Think about posting on my blog about my cat jumping up onto surfaces where she's not allowed.

Effect: Whilst still mulling this over in my mind, walk into bathroom to find that cat has snuck in and is now sitting demurely on vanity unit (where, of course, she's not allowed....)

Just in case I have somehow developed superhero powers that enable my thoughts to become reality, I am now thinking about winning the lottery, stopping global warming, being thin and possibly a bit taller, making low cost housing available to all and having Cadbury Creme Eggs in shops all year round. I'll let you know how it goes.

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Rules for sci-fi television

I've had a few days off recently and it's been coupled with a bit of insomnia so I've managed to get through quite a few episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's cheesy and the first couple of seasons are awful - I've said many times that if you can get through Season 1 of Star Trek: TNG then you can get through almost anything. It's truly craptastic. Having watched so many episodes in a row I think I've become a bit of an expert on the rules for portraying either the future of humanity or an alien race on television.

1. The Small Government Rule
The entire planet may consist of several continents and contain 15 billion people (or creatures), but it is ruled by a central government consisting of 3 or 4 people. All decisions, affecting the entire planet, will be made by these people. If the planet does not have free elections then one of the government leaders will definitely be a power-hungry dictator who is madder than a cut snake.

2. The Homogenous Culture Rule
Everyone in the future is super tolerant and PC, and accepting of all different alien cultures. There is, however, absolutely NO cultural diversity or difference within individual planets. All creatures of the same alien race will dress alike, follow the same religious beliefs and build their houses on roughly the same pattern.

3. The Tailored Savages Rule
The more 'primitive' and violent the culture, the more elaborate their cultural dress. Aliens who enjoy ripping other cultures limb from limb seem to want to clothe themselves in many layers of leather, buckles, furs, padded shoulders and sharp, angular accessories.... because when you're in a bloody, hand-to-hand battle, you want to spend 30 minutes doing up buckles and making sure your animal-talon hair accessory is straight, right?

4. The Highbrow Humanity Rule
In the future, humans have 'evolved' beyond such crass entertainment as television or movies. Fortunately, in the future there is enough classical music, literature, art and the occasional highbrow play to suit everyone. And of course these things will suit everyone since in the future we are all interested in the same things (see The Homogenous Culture Rule).

5. The Cross-Species Breeding Rule
With the advent of space travel, more and more alien cultures are meeting other interesting alien cultures. As luck would have it, most cultures are roughly humanoid in shape and almost all seem to have sexual practices and genetics that are compatible with each other. This means that virtually any alien species can cross-breed with another. The fact that this is approximately equivalent to a canary successfully breeding with a labrador has apparently escaped everyone's notice, despite the fact that everyone in the future is a scientist in their spare time. The resultant offspring of this cross-breeding catastrophe won't favour one parent or the other; they will always look like a 50/50 mix of both parents.

6. The Random Numbering Rule
At some point, all the planets across several galaxies got together (possibly at some huge intergalactic freshman mixer) and thought, "Hey, you know what? It would be really fun if we all numbered our planets as well as naming them." This resulted in a proliferation of planets named things like Earwax 4 and Wobblybutt 8. The numbers are arbitrary since no one has ever heard of Earwax 1-3 or Wobblybutt 1-7. The exception to this rule is Earth, of course. We don't need a number... we're Number One!

I'm sure there are plenty more rules... feel free to add your own in the comments. :)
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There was one in the bed and the little one said...

I am in my bed at the moment, which is a double bed. If I could fit a queen bed in this room I'd have one, but alas, a queen bed would mean I wouldn't be able to open my wardrobe doors. As I write this I am tucked up in one side of the bed, and on the other side there are two books, two journals, a Bible, four DVDs, an envelope and two pens. Plus my laptop which is on my lap, obviously.

It's official. I can never marry. I mean, come on... where the heck would I put all my stuff?? ;-)

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Cat bling

I went out today to look for some cat accessories for when I get Miss Sophie home. I had no idea of the world into which I am, apparently, about to be initiated. You can buy just about any piece of crap precious item imaginable for your kitty. Here are some samples:

A pet carrier, which can be worn like a handbag, for when you want to take your pet for a walk. That would be a walk where you do the walking and your pet looks out in embarrassment from the frilly pink face hole.

Of course, depending on how much your pet weighs, your shoulder may get sore. In that case, pop your little darling into the pet stroller!

What pet could be happy without a collar? You have your choice of the trendy bandana collar or, for the more sophisticated lady, a delicate jewelled number.

Your cat must have exercise, particularly if she is an indoor cat. A floor-to-ceiling cat gym should solve that problem.

And finally... what kitty household is complete without a self-flushing, self-washing cat litter box?








Poor Sophie. She's going to be horribly disappointed when she finds out her new mummy bought a plain, carpeted scratching post from The Reject Shop and will be buying an ordinary old $5 litter tray with no lid and no flush at all, self- or otherwise.
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Grant application

In 2007 I started an Honours year at uni - which I ended up having to defer indefinitely due to some health issues, but I might get back to it eventually. While I was still there I was struggling financially to the point where I thought I'd have to drop out for a while and find a full time job. My supervisor encouraged me to apply for an Equity Scholarship. This was a $2,000 one-off payment to people who could demonstrate that their current situation was having a detrimental effect on their ability to study. I had to fill in an application form and explain my current circumstances (basically a begging letter). I filled in a proper application but I also wrote the following and forwarded it to my supervisor ask if she thought it would be suitable...

Poverty can be a cow
I'm sure you understand
But it seems you're getting sick
Of students holding out their hand

I know you need good reasons
For handing out the dough
Well, you'll want to give me money
When you hear this tale of woe

I always do my homework
Except for when I'm slack
But it's hard to sit and type
With this sore and twisted back

I can dimly see the teacher
So my eyesight seems okay
I think I need new glasses
But I don't know how I'll pay

My hearing's causing problems
I can't hear people speak
Lip reading's proving handy
But it doesn't help in Greek

I don't want you to worry
If I don't appear one day
I can't get out of bed
But the doc says I'm okay

I went to do some shopping
But my car broke down again
I tried to write a cheque
But I couldn't find a pen

My shoes are torn and tattered
And my clothes are wearing thin
Though I found a nice warm jacket
While rifling through the bin

My kitchen cupboard's looking bare
With neither jar nor box
I really need some money
Or I'll have to eat my socks

I have a limp, a leer, a squint
My hair falls out in clumps
The doctor checked my heartbeat
And said it rattles, skips and jumps

A scholarship would help me
It couldn't make things worse
And it will save you from the pain
Of this dodgy rhyming verse

I didn't send the poem but I did get the scholarship, as well as a $3,000 merit scholarship - to which, frankly, I wasn't really entitled. My marks were very good but they need to be exceptional for that scholarship. My wonderfully supportive supervisor had a hand in that although she wouldn't admit to it.

I still wonder what would have happened if I'd submitted the poem...
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I am in love...

...with my air cooler. Seriously. I want to marry it and have its babies.

I didn't expect it to cool down the room because it was seriously hot in there - and it didn't, really, but I've had it pointing at me all night and I've actually slept! At one point I woke up and had to turn it down because it was a bit too cool blowing on me (as opposed to the previous night where I had the fan blasting at me on 'high' and I was still waking up constantly feeling all sweaty and fevered).

The other good thing is that it doesn't use nearly as much water as I feared. It has an 8 litre tank and after running constantly, although at various speeds, from 7pm last night to 9.30am today the tank is still half full.

This is true love...

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Less-than-subliminal messaging

Clearly the government's message about water conservation/Target 155 has started to sink in. Well, after more than ten years of drought I suppose it had to sink in eventually. I realised just how well it had sunk in tonight as I watched an episode of NCIS** on DVD. Two of the characters were investigating an abandoned house. There was a camera shot out the window from inside the kitchen, which showed the kitchen tap leaking... drip, drip, drip. I looked at it uncomfortably and thought, "Oh dear - all that water being wasted!"


**I am, by the way, rapidly becoming addicted to NCIS. I borrowed the first three seasons from a friend and... well, you may not hear from me for a while, that's all I'm saying.

Would you like a candle maintenance kit with that?

For a few months when I was studying I worked as a checkout chick at Safeway (Woolworths). Most of the time I enjoyed the job very much because it's fairly easy work and I loved chatting with the customers. We were instructed to wish the customers a nice day/evening as they left the store, but I admit I usually ignored that directive when I was there at 11pm and my customer only came in for condoms and lubricant... there's something a little creepy about putting those two items in a bag and cheerily saying, "Have a great evening!" Other than that, though, I was happy to chat with them and I had quite a good time.

What I didn't like about the job was how seriously the supervisors took themselves. These were kids of maybe 21 or 22 who thought they'd hit the big time because they had been promoted to supervisor. They really thought that this was their big break and that one day they'd move up the ranks until they were managing the entire chain. A simple calculation of the number of stores, each with 10 or so supervisors, versus the number of senior management positions Australia-wide should have crushed their dreams fairly early on, but apparently not. They blindly spouted the company line without question, at least in the store where I worked, and didn't approve of people like me (and 98% of the checkout staff) who treated the job as merely a way to get through their studies without being forced to sell a kidney.

I thought that Safeway supervisors were the ultimate in self-importance and self-delusion but I was proven wrong the other day. I walked past a candle store and noticed that Christmas candles were on sale. The only thing that makes these candles 'Christmas' candles is that they were red, white or green and had a label attached to them that said "Christmas candle". They were exactly the same as the other red, white and green candles in the store but because of the label they'd been reduced to half price. I selected a couple I liked and walked to the counter with them. I was greeted by a stern looking girl who subjected me to the following interrogation:

Stern Girl: Have you purchased our candles before?

Me: Yes, I have

SG: Oh. So you know about trimming the wick?

Me: Yes

SG: And using a snuffer to put it out?

Me: (like I'm going to fork out money for a snuffer when I can blow the candle out like a normal person) Yes.

SG: And you also know about creating a candle memory?

Me: (having no idea what she was talking about and wondering if this is some kind of test) Uh... yes.

SG: Do you have one of our Candle Care Kits?

Me: No, I don't.

SG: (with disapproving frown) Well, would you like to buy one so you can take care of your candles?

Me: (feeling like I've just admitted to using a pillow and gaffer tape instead of a car safety seat for my child) Ummm... no, I think I'll leave it for today.

Stern Girl realised at this point that I was an irresponsible candle owner who was clearly beyond redemption so she gave me my candles and let me go. I feel quite sure that she and the other stern looking girl behind the counter spent their lunch break talking about the customer who clearly didn't care about the candles she'd just adopted purchased.

And another little part of me feels sure that Stern Girl has had business cards printed in which she refers to herself as a Candleologist.

Stupid. No, air stupid.

I was watching 20 to 1 tonight (give me a break - my other choices were America's Next Top Model or Hot Property... or the news which I'd already seen).  Anyway, tonight it was 20 truly stupid acts. Some of them were too disgusting to mention (they involved maggots; that's all I'm saying) but one of them really made me laugh. It was the Air Guitar Championships.  I don't know where I've been but I had no idea this event existed. 

The most hilarious thing about it was how seriously these people took it.  Well, some of them.  If you follow the link there is a Conan O'Brien interview with the guy who came second in the world championships.  I may be reading it wrong but it seemed like his answers were very tongue-in-cheek (like when he said he didn't like 'air flute' because it looks silly).

What I'd really like to see is some true commitment to air guitar.  At the championships these guys stand there and then start playing. I would be more impressed if they walked on stage with their air guitar-case, opened it, took out the air guitar, plugged it in to the air amplifier, maybe spent some time tuning it and THEN started playing.  And maybe the favourite could be unexpectedly knocked out of the competition in a shocking incident where one of his air guitar air-strings breaks during a crucial riff.

If you're thinking, "Yeah, but that's America... lots of weird things happen in a country that big and rich", then let me point you to the Air Guitar Australia website.  On the front page there are links not only to the Australian Air Guitar Championships but also (wait for it) the Lip Synch Championships, the Thumb Wrestling Championships AND the Rock Paper Scissors Championships.

Wow, Geek Central.  Truly, I am giddy.

Surprising question

It's my friend's birthday on Boxing Day - that's the day after Christmas, for those in America. His wife sent out a message the other day to say they were having a casual party on Boxing Day to celebrate his birthday. Yesterday after church his 16-year-old son turned to his dad and asked, "So, is your birthday party a surprise party?" His dad said, "Well, not anymore... what kind of a question is that to ask??" The son, in genuine confusion, asked, "What do you mean? [pause] Ohhhh... I get it!" [insert sheepish grin]

For the record, it was never a surprise party.

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