Seven days inside my head

Seven days ago:
I sent my counsellor some excerpts from my journal. As soon as I hit 'send' I thought, "Sh*t. What have I done?"

I knew it was a mistake.

Six days ago:
I re-read what I sent my counsellor. I then emailed her and said I thought I might be coming down with something and probably wouldn't be able to make it to my session next week. (She knows me well enough now to ignore this...)

I thought it was a mistake.

Five days ago:
I re-read what I sent to my counsellor. I opened my journal and read some entries I didn't send her. I flicked back through the journal and noted how many entries were really quite similar to what I'd sent. They go back a long way.

I was willing to entertain the idea that maybe it wasn't a mistake.

Four days ago:
I re-read what I sent to my counsellor. I remembered previous counselling sessions where I'd left feeling annoyed with myself because I'd tried to talk about what was going on inside me but just couldn't get the words out.

I began to think it wasn't a mistake.

Three days ago:
I re-read what I sent to my counsellor. I remembered previous counselling sessions where I took my journal with me but left it in my bag because I didn't have the courage to read it aloud.

I thought it wasn't a mistake.

Two days ago:
I re-read what I sent to my counsellor. I tried to imagine what my next counselling session would be like. I wrote in my journal, "I still expect it to be hard to talk about these things, but I'm glad [counsellor] has those journal entries."

I knew it wasn't a mistake.

Yesterday:
I re-read what I sent to my counsellor. I thought again about the sessions where the words were stuck inside me. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I knew that a bigger mistake would have been to keep those journal entries to myself.

Today:
I re-read what I sent my counsellor. My counsellor read some of it back to me. We talked. I was right... it was hard. These things go deep and talking about them will be hard for a long time. But... that's okay.

It was not a mistake. I did the right thing. I'm glad I did.
.

3 comments:

Givinya De Elba said...

I am glad.

Will pray your sessions help you through, not around this stuff. What a blessing to have a good counsellor.

Hippomanic Jen said...

I'm glad that your journal could speak for you in an area where you find it hard to put it into words out loud. Good on you for sending it!

Swift Jan said...

Ditto to the above comments!! You are brave & good on you for doing it!! :)

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