Obscured horizon

I had a subdued counselling session yesterday. It mostly consisted of me saying, "I've been doing this for nearly two years, I don't think I'm getting anywhere, I can't see any progress and by the way this whole thing really sucks." My counsellor pointed out that I spent nearly a year with another counsellor who wasn't helpful to me, reminded me of progress I have made and agreed, "Yes, this does indeed totally suck."

I'm feeling tired and discouraged right now, to the point where I really can't see any progress even though I know it's there. All I can see are the negatives and the fears and the steps backward and the falls. I know they are not the whole picture but they loom so large on my horizon sometimes that they obscure everything else.

Yesterday I talked about how long this seems to be taking. I have had friends who were in bad places and had counselling for a while, but never for this long. My counsellor said something like, "The kind of thing you're dealing with isn't something that takes weeks or months; it can take years. You have had a lifetime of programming and it goes very deep; it will take a long time to work through it." Well. Okay. Of course I knew this - I've said it myself plenty of times - but I didn't want to hear it yesterday. Not years. I don't know why it should have made a difference... come the end of August I will have been in counselling for two years anyway and frankly I can't see myself feeling 100% fine in the next 12 months so I already know this is a slow process and will take (has taken) years. But still, there's something about hearing it that makes it real. Years. One year... two years... three years... and then??

I know there's not a quick fix. I'm not sure I'd want one, really, because I feel sure it wouldn't be a fix at all but merely a bandaid that will fall off later and leave me in a worse place than I'm in now. I'm not looking for the magic solution. I guess I'm just writing this to have a little moan. This is hard. It's slow. I can think of 500 other things I would rather do. I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all and I can't see any progress... my little flame of hope is more like a smouldering ember that's filling the room with smoke and choking me.

I'm trying to think of a hopeful note on which to end this post... something like, "I'm down but not out" or "I am discouraged but I know it will all be worth it". Even if those things are true, I don't feel them today. I'm discouraged. I am overwhelmed. I can't see the positives. And today, that is all.


Manda said...

That sounds really tough. You are doing so well, but I understand why it feels overwhelming and neverending.

What I love about this post, aside from your honesty, is that even though you can't see the positives at all today, you don't seem to be considering giving up. Is it possible for me to say that I'm really proud of you and your strength, without sounding patronising?

Hippomanic Jen said...

I'm glad to support such an honest blogger. There are times when life does, indeed, suck - and you're working through some of the worst of it at the moment. I'm glad you can see the logic of it, even though there is no silver lining in your outlook for now.

I remember once agreeing to do a 15km sponsored walk to raise funds for a church building programme.

It started off great, a sunshiny but cool day. The morning tea stop was welcome, but I still had some energy left. Not long after I was struggling (yep, fitness has never been my forte). My Mum (who was one of the support drivers) came past in the car and to cheer me up said brightly, "you're half-way there!"

Whereupon I stopped dead in shock because I was thinking that I must have been getting close to the end. "What do you MEAN halfway there?" I asked quite despondently.

I did make it.

And so will you.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh Fem. A hug and a prayer for you - that's all I've got. Even the hug is a cyber one.

Thanks for your honesty. And also for taking my recent honesty and saying such encouraging things to me.

You said: "I'm discouraged. I am overwhelmed. I can't see the positives. And today, that is all." And that's a bit how I feel, so it hit a chord.

Maybe it's time for me to write another HONEST post. I just wish I could block certain people from commenting first.

Long dark hair, blue eyes said...

It is so great that you are putting so much time and energy into working through these issues. I am sure that the pay off for you in the long run will be well worth the pain and agony of the experience.

I hope you are also balancing it all by putting time and energy into having fun and doing things that make you feel happy. When I am feeling down I try to do something that I know I will enjoy or will make me laugh. Sometimes it is as simple as making time to spend with a good friend but then other times it needs to be more - like buying a big big block of chocolate and not sharing it with anyone. :)

Copyright © 2008 - cassa verba - is proudly powered by Blogger
Smashing Magazine - Design Disease - Blog and Web - Dilectio Blogger Template