It's a conundrum, alright

One of the consequences of having someone spend 15 years trying their very hardest to make me feel worthless, ridiculous and pointless is that most of the time I feel worthless, ridiculous and pointless. Sadly, logic often doesn't come into it. For example, my academic transcript at uni has only Distinctions and High Distinctions, which means I didn't get below 80% for a single subject for three years. Logic would suggest, therefore, that I'm reasonably intelligent. Despite this, most of the time I believe I'm stupid and for my entire degree I made excuses for my successes - "It's just a first year subject and they mark them easier", "I agreed with the lecturer so of course I got a good mark" and so on.

Trying to change long-ingrained beliefs is very difficult and knowing that those beliefs aren't true doesn't stop me believing that they are absolutely true. I said to my counsellor today, "I know that it's totally wrong to believe I'm stupid and worthless. At the same time I am 100% convinced that I'm completely stupid and worthless." So... I know it's a lie and I also know it's true. Yeah, blows your mind a little bit, huh?

Right now I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful about counselling. I feel more hopeful than I have in ages, actually, and that's a great thing. At the same time, though, there is a BIG part of me that is convinced there is no point trying to change because I really am worthless, and I will never feel any different. Feeling and believing both of these things simultaneously is a little bit weird and very hard to explain and understand. However, I figure that feeling worthless AND hopeful is a whole lot better than just feeling worthless with no hope at all, so I'm taking this conundrum as a win.


Swift Jan said...

Well I am thinking that feeling the hopefulness is a VERY positive thing... maybe the way you usually think is starting to be altered into something more positive!! :)

Keep on keeping on! YOu are a GREAT woman!! Totally valuble :)

Givinya De Elba said...

She's right. Swift Jan that is.

Your fist sentence was profound. Actually, the whole post was. I nearly cried, and I would have except I've already had my cry this morning.

Hippomanic Jen said...

From what I know of you you are definitely worthwhile, warm, intelligent, funny, supportive and compassionate.

I can't wait until the conundrum doesn't even exist for you at all - but I'm willing to stand with you in hopefullness as you seek out the answer to it from where you are now.

I'm so sorry that you had experiences that have caused you to view the world this way. You've done so well to get to here. Keep on going, you can do it!

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