Rhody Garden Take Two - same place, different season

On Tuesdays I see my counsellor in the mornings. Tuesday is also my day off, which means if I'm feeling a little fragile after counselling I have the rest of the day to be nice to myself and have some recovery time. It's a good system and works well for me.

Today was a fragile day. At one point my counsellor suggested a word to describe how I feel about the thing I was discussing and it was so exactly on the money it was like she jumped into my head, had a little look around and said, "Oh, right, I see... you feel like this." (Kind of spooky, actually, but probably more so for her than me... inside my head is a strange and scary place!) Anyway, I needed some time and space afterwards, so I headed up to the National Rhododendron Garden. I was the only person in the whole place - even the lady who takes the entrance fee wasn't there; there was just an optimistic note suggesting that people place a donation in the box provided. The gardens were quiet and peaceful and lonely and just what I needed. My soul was soothed and I left there reminded that God is good.

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So... God is real

Last night I went to church. Normally I go to one of the morning services but occasionally I also go to the evening service, which is aimed at young adults and tends to be a lot more casual (with louder music). I like it. The sermon was about God's promises and focussed particularly on the bit in Genesis 21 where God fulfils his promises to Abraham and Sarah and gives them the son He'd promised so many years before. The person who was preaching said that the Bible is full of God's promises and pointed to little strips of paper that had been placed in the pews in front of us on the little shelf where the Bibles sit. Each one contained a promise from the Bible, so we picked them up and read them. The one that was in front of me had Psalm 34:4 - "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." This is a pretty good promise at any time, but here's the thing: this is the very verse through which I was converted 21 years ago.

Freaky, right? But there's more. For about the last 18 months I have really struggled to pray. It's partly related to the amount of emotional energy that I've been directing towards the counselling/healing 'journey' (bleh - hate that expression) which hasn't left me much emotional energy for anything else. Mostly, though, it's been because I haven't been quite sure how to fit God into it all. I've never questioned where God was when my brother was bullying me - I am sure it made Him as sad as it made me - but I've certainly questioned where God is now. The effects of my brother's treatment of me are so deeply ingrained, and the progress I'm making to get over it seems so slow and so hard-won that I've felt like I'm slogging it out on a tiny island and God is on the mainland and can't even see me.

When I read that verse I was reminded that the God who delivered me when I was a fearful and insecure 17 year old is the SAME God. God knew everything that had happened in my life up to then and everything to come that would bring me to this point. He said to me so clearly last night, "I care about your struggles now in exactly the same way I cared about them the first time you read that verse."

There are plenty of times in my life where I've read bits of the Bible and thought, "Hmmm... that's particularly relevant to me right now" but there have also been a couple of times where God has grabbed me and said, "This is for YOU. Listen to me." Last night was one of those times.

God is real. God is good.
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The fear of the Lord

As I have done for many years, I decided this year to read through my 'One Year Bible'. This is a Bible that's divided up into readings for each day - a bit from the Old Testament, a bit from the New and usually a Psalm or a bit from Proverbs. If you follow it daily you'll have read through the whole Bible at the end of the year. Now when I say "as I have done for many years", I'm saying that what I have done for many years is decide to read through the One Year Bible. I usually start to lose momentum some time in April, and by November I'm about four months behind. One of these years I'll do it... is this the year? I don't know.

I don't want to read through the entire Bible because I think it will make me a 'good Christian', nor because I think God requires it of me. That's not what grace is about. I want to read through it partly because I like a challenge; but also because I'd like to make spending time with God something that's a normal part of my day, not something I do when I remember it... and then feel guilty about not doing it more often. (Hmmm... what was that I was saying about grace?)

Today I was reading Genesis 3 and 4, which recounts the events known in Christianity as "the fall", where Adam and Eve eat the fruit - which may or may not have been an apple - that God told them not to eat. A history changing event if ever there was one. I can't tell you how many times I've read this part of the Bible. (Genesis is better than Melrose Place - full of scandals, love triangles, intrigue and murder.) Today I was struck by the part just after Adam and Eve eat the fruit. As soon as they eat it the Bible says "their eyes were opened" and the first thing they felt was shame because they were naked. Shortly after this God calls Adam in the garden and Adam says he hid from God because he was afraid.

Fear is an interesting response from Adam here. His first two responses are shame and fear, but what has happened so far that would make him think he needs to fear God? Up to this point God has created the world, then created Adam, then created Eve as a suitable partner for Adam - the first, and perhaps the best ever 'soul mates'. Everything God created was good, and 'good' in God's terms is pretty darn good. God has shown Adam nothing but love and kindness. That's all Adam knows.

And yet, Adam is afraid. When he does something he's not supposed to his first response is to forget what he knows about God.

I am not so very different from Adam. When I stuff up; or deliberately do the wrong thing; or do things that I think will make God angry even if that's not true (like not praying or reading the Bible often enough) then my first response is to forget what I know about God. God is patient, gracious and forgiving. He loves me and genuinely desires a relationship with me. In spite of knowing this I continue to believe that he is an angry, frowning, disapproving God who is just waiting for me to stuff up, and who will remain angry unless I do something to get him to forgive me and like me again.

Although I've never managed to get through the One Year Bible in one year, I have read the whole thing. I've read it, studied it, talked about it, written about it - and yet still my first reaction to my failings is to make it somehow God's fault by creating this tiny, mean, spiteful God who bears no resemblance to the God of the Bible. So my new year's resolution this year is simple - to know God... not the petty God created by my fears, but the real God who loves me so much that he sent his Son to die for me.

Carol who?

I'm watching Carols in the Domain right now (on the television obviously, since the Domain is in Sydney and I'm in Melbourne). In the true tradition of stripping all religion out of a religious holiday, we've seen some pretty bizzare things at this yearly event - for a few years there they had a love affair with The Circle of Life, which is somewhat weird for a Christmas event. Particularly notable, though, was the year they had a couple singing Amazing Grace to each other like a love song. I kid you not.

All of this this makes me wonder what the singers and the audience think about the words of the 'traditional' carols (a few of which still get sung at these events). This is an event where God never gets a mention, and Jesus certainly doesn't, yet they still sing words like these:

He rules the world with truth and grace,
and makes the nations prove
the glories of his righteousness
and wonders of his love.
(Joy to the World)

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark street shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight.
(O Little Town of Bethlehem)

...Man will live forever more because of Christmas Day.
(Mary's Boy Child)

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Til he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
(O Holy Night)

Watching this carols event I keep hearing the phrase "spirit of Christmas", by which they seem to mean 'family' or 'love' or 'togetherness' or whatever. It's all about being generous and being nice to each other. None of these things are bad... but is this what Christmas is really about? What do the songs say?

• God is righteous, loving, truthful, glorious and wonderful; and he rules the world.
• Jesus is the culmination of all humanity's hopes and fears.
• The world lay in sin and error, without hope until Jesus appeared.
• Because of Jesus, we can live forever.

I am so sick of this watering-down of Christmas. Don't tell me "we need to be inclusive". I don't ask Jewish people to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Happy Hannukah" because I think their religious holiday should include Christians also. Christmas is a Christian celebration. Yes, I'm fully aware that Jesus was not born on December 25; I'm also aware that Christians originally chose this date to coincide with a pagan festival. Those things don't change the fact that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. Where did we get the idea that leaving Christianity in Christmas means we're not being inclusive? Christmas is all about inclusion... it's about God coming to earth as a man - and growing up, living and dying on our behalf so that everyone has the opportunity to be part of God's family.

I know some people will find this offensive, but frankly, I find it extremely offensive to be asked to say "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" when I want to be celebrating God's amazing love to us. "Joy to the world; the Lord has come!"
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I'm smart. No, really... I can prove it.

My degree arrived on Friday. Well, the certificate arrived, anyway - technically I qualified to graduate at the end of 2006 but it took me a while to get my act together to apply to graduate. In 2007 I started an Honours year but had some significant health issues during the year so decided it would be better to defer Honours for a while. I applied to withdraw in good standing, which means my Honours work stays on record at the university for ten years and I can re-enrol and finish it off at any time during those ten years. In most cases when you do Honours you graduate from the whole thing (the degree plus the Honours year) at the same time but since deferring Honours I was starting to feel like the preceding three years - the degree part - hadn't counted for anything. So, I decided to graduate from the degree, although I didn't attend the ceremony. Really not my thing at all... plus, it's an Arts degree and my surname is a fair way down the alphabet - I wasn't keen to sit for two or three hours waiting for the 20 seconds of glory when my name is called.

I had mixed feelings when I saw the certificate. I didn't go to uni when I finished high school, so starting a degree at age 34 was in some ways the fulfilment of a dream. Still, I wonder about my real motivation when I decided to quit my job, move interstate and start a whole new life studying something that has no practical use in the real world (I majored in Classical Studies and minored in English). Although I went to uni largely for enjoyment - and I did love studying - there is a little part of me that wanted to prove something. To myself? To other people? I'm not sure. And what does it prove, anyway? That I'm intelligent? Well, not really - if anything it proves that I learned the 'secret' of good essay writing, which has very little to do with intelligence. It also proves I have a good memory, since much of my Latin and ancient Greek study was simple memorisation. Does it prove that I'm "as good as" the people who went on to tertiary study straight after school? Or perhaps "as good as" the people who worked in the exact same job as me but were paid slightly more simply because they had degrees... despite the fact that I trained them and I supervised their work (yeah, that one still rankles).

This all makes me wonder why I need to prove something to other people, or even to myself. I doubt that it's just me; I think most people have a deep insecurity about their own worth. In some people this insecurity lies just below the surface and in others it's buried deep down but wherever it lies, it's there and it can have a profound impact on the way we think and behave. I suspect it's something with which I shall always struggle, but at the same time it is so incredibly freeing to find my worth in Jesus. God sees me through "Jesus-goggles" - because of Christ's death and resurrection on my behalf, God sees me as holy and blameless in Christ. He sees me as his loved and precious creation; he knows me by name and values me as ME, not simply as Nameless Christian #503,486. As happy as I am to have my degree, I am even more happy to know that I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I am of incredible worth to God.

Four tiny words

As a church we're spending four weeks reading the gospel of Mark, leading up to a thanksgiving and commitment day next Sunday. We're reading it individually but if you follow the reading guide it means we're all reading the same thing on the same day. Or, if you're like me, you're forgetting about it all week and catching up on the weekend. (I know I can't be the only one who's done that!)

The reading for the other day included that pivotal part of Mark:
And he asked them, "But who do you say I am?" Peter answered him, "You are the Christ."** (Mark 8 v 29)

I've heard this little exchange so often that in some ways I've become immune to it and what it means. It sounds so matter-of-fact - "you are the Christ". It sounds like nothing. It could just as easily be "You are a carpenter" or "You're a really dynamic speaker with 12 good friends." It sounds matter-of-fact but in reality Peter is saying something amazing and history-changing.

• He's saying that finally - finally - the fulfilment of God's promises has come.
• He's saying that God is faithful.
• He's saying that God's kingdom is here and that the redemption of his people has begun.
• Even though it becomes obvious later that he doesn't fully understand what the Christ has come to do, he's saying, "You are the one who makes it possible for me to stand in the presence of the most holy God - fully welcomed and without fear."

The whole weight of history is in those four tiny words... You are the Christ.

**(For those who aren't aware, 'Christ' is not Jesus' surname; it's a title which means 'anointed one'. It's the Greek version of the Hebrew word 'Messiah'.)

Being Christ to one another

Fragile soul
Battered heart
Aching wounds; a cry in the dark.
Rocky land
Blinding rain
Stumbling feet; a path of pain.

Fragile trust
Clouded sight
Guiding hand; shines His light.
Stormy land
Breath of air
Tender heart; a silent prayer.

Fragile faith
Tiny flame
Whispered hope; He knows my name.
Uncertain joy
Unknown land
Mustard seed; I take His hand.

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Fringe-dweller

I've written before about being unmarried in a very married world; and the way people in churches have trouble knowing how to treat me, and people like me. I didn't talk about my current church in that post, but for the most part I have to say I'm very happy there and I've rarely been made to feel like a freak for being unmarried. Sometimes it's unavoidable because people make assumptions about what my life is like and then act on the basis of those assumptions. And sometimes it's unavoidable because I might be having a bad day or a 'hating being single and feeling sorry for myself' day, in which case I'm going to take the most innocent comment in a negative way. However, leaving out bad days and clueless people, mostly I just feel like another member of the church community. No big deal.

Tonight, however, was different. We had our church AGM and celebration dinner and mostly it was a really nice evening. Good food, lots of people there, I chatted with a few people I hadn't really got to know before, one of my friends performed a song she'd written for the evening, there was lemon sponge for dessert (shhh... don't tell any of my Bovine Buddies). It was relaxing and fun. At one point during the evening they played a DVD of different activities that have taken place over the past year, and a slide show of photos. The slide show included a full five minutes of pictures of happy, smiling couples. That's fine; I have no problem with couples. However, they were the ONLY people represented. All the other photos were of events... the only 'posed' shots of people were photos of couples. Every single one. Sure, there are a lot of families and couples at my church - by far the biggest demographic - but they're not the only ones there.

Well, maybe that wouldn't have bothered me too much... until the person taking photos of the evening came up to our table. She took photos of all the couples on our table (ie, every other person at the table) and then walked away. Wow. Good way to make me feel like a fringe-dweller.

I know I'm not a fringe-dweller. There are no fringe-dwellers in God's family - we're all valued and cherished. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Loved children of the creator of the universe. Really, it doesn't get much more awesome than that. I just wish sometimes that people were better at remembering that.

Religious grammar

Every day on my way to and from work I pass a big church. This particular church is on the corner of a highway and another main road, which means there are always cars waiting at the lights. To me, this puts them in a perfect spot to advertise things on the huuuuuge noticeboard they have on the lawn. They've obviously thought the same, because there's a different thing on there each week. (You know - it's one of those boards where you slide in plastic letters, and the board lights up from the inside.)

Unfortunately, this church has chosen to put up the kinds of meaningless platitudes that are exactly the reason why people think Christians are unbelievably daggy and out of touch. I almost always cringe when I drive past it. Last week it had something like, "Don't steal from tomorrow; that belongs to God." It sounds deep but if you think hard about it, it actually means... not a lot. Plus, they didn't have the semi-colon which really bugged me. This week's saying, though, is a winner. It says, "Love is a verb." Look, I know what they're trying to say... but, being the grammar geek that I am, I drove past it and said, "Uh huh - and it's also a noun."

My sister, who is not interested in Christianity in any way, suggested years ago that I should get a t-shirt made saying, "Christians can be cool". I've thought about it, but with things like this noticeboard... who would believe me??

Listening to God

Tonight I'm visiting a church that's a fair bit more... relaxed than I'm used to. It's a Baptist church so technically it's not Pentecostal but certainly some people would see it as a Pentecostal church.

The mere fact that I'm going at all speaks volumes. I became a Christian at 17 within a very conservative tradition. Some things about that were great - I was encouraged to read the Bible, to study and grapple with God's word. I was taught and mentored by loving and faithful people. I had a great knowledge of the awesome, forgiving and loving nature of our great God. But that's the thing... I had head knowledge of God but I had no heart knowledge; and no language for expressing it. I thought that loving God meant being intellectually aware of what he has done for me. Loving God passionately, wholeheartedly and with abandon was something that was never modelled to me; and something I hadn't experienced and didn't understand. More than that, I believe it was something I was implicitly discouraged from seeking.

My one-sided understanding of God was made worse by the fact that I didn't even realise it was a one-sided understanding. I was entrenched in the Sydney Evangelical system, which has some great things going for it. However, it wasn't until I moved to Melbourne that I realised it also has some serious flaws. Many ideas and traditions within Sydney Evangelicalism have grown as reactions to Pentecostalism. Even things that started as good things have become distorted. For example, in the 1970s there existed the idea that God spoke to us only when we meditate, become all hippy and mystical and wait for a word from the Lord. That is, it's up to us to be super-spiritual and only then can we know God's will. The response to this was a series of talks, which eventually became a book, saying no, God speaks to us through his Word - willingly and joyfully - and we don't need to be super-spiritual to hear him. I have no argument with this... but eventually it turned into the idea that God ONLY speaks to us through the Bible and any other experiences are to be doubted and feared. Further, it developed into an understanding of God's will that says his will for us is to be like Jesus - and that is his only will, so it's pointless to ask for guidance in things like work or where we live or anything else, because all that matters is that we become like Jesus. It implied that God is not at all interested in the details of our life; only the big picture. It made God impersonal and distant; and it left me confused about how, or even why, I should love this distant God. I have a very vivid memory of speaking with the minister of my church and saying, "Look, I can't see any reason for continuing to be a Christian except that I believe hell exists and I don't want to go there. I'm following God through fear, not love." His response to me was "Well, fear is an appopriate motivator." To be fair, he probably didn't realise the level of desperation I'd reached after agonising over this issue for a long time, and being unable to reconcile what I was hearing about 'emotion' with my need to feel love towards God, but even so that response strikes me as incredibly ungracious and narrow.

Another 'tradition' arose as a direct response to Pentecostalism and their perceived emotionality. Evangelicals came to believe that Pentecostals rely only on emotion, visions, word of knowledge and guidance from the Spirit; and therefore either ignore the Bible entirely or treat it as the 'back-up' to the emotive things. This of course is not true as a blanket statement, although for some individuals it may well be true. Regardless of the truth of the situation, 'emotion' came to be seen as code for 'charismatic/pentecostal' and became an indication that people didn't know the Bible or that they supported a theology of prosperity. Evangelicals have reacted so far against this that any emotion is seen as bad. Hand-raising during songs is greeted with eye-rolling and the instant application of a 'charismatic fruit-cake' label. And yet... the Bible calls us to love God with our whole heart, mind and soul. Surely this involves an extravagantly emotional response? Of course I have a problem with prosperity gospel and with doctrines that suggest we need to receive the Holy Spirit twice to be real Christians - but at the same time I have a problem with a doctrine that suggests we should love God intellectually and not seek, or enjoy, an emotional relationship with him. It becomes very Orwellian: "knowledge good, emotion bad". All of one and none of the other is bad; it's a matter of balance. It was a genuine surprise to me when I finally understood that I can have a great knowledge of the Bible, and love to immerse myself in it and study it, and at the same time love God so much that it moves me to tears. It may even move me to raise my hands during a song (although admittedly, it probably won't). But if it does, that's okay - because, contrary to popular belief, there isn't a nerve connecting my arms and my brain; and raising my arms won't cause my intellect to shut down.

Mark Driscoll recently spoke at a conference in Sydney. One of his talks has been summarised here. I particularly liked this point:

Many of you are afraid of the Holy Spirit. You don’t know what to do with Him, so the trinity is Father, Son and Holy Bible. You are so reactionary to pentecostalism that you do not have a robust theology of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit calls people into ministry. He also empowers people for ministry. You don’t have to be charismatic but you should be a little charismatic, enough at least to worship God with more than just all of your mind. The word charismatic here [in Sydney] means prosperity, excessive, bizarre. In London, it means you’re not a liberal. Don’t get hung up on all the terminology. Do you love the Holy Spirit? Jesus says the Holy Spirit is a ‘He’ and not an ‘it’.” Ministry cannot be done apart from the Holy Spirit – I think that is in part leading to the lack of entrepreneurialism and innovation, because if it’s not already done and written down, you’re suspicious of it.

Amen to that, brother. Let's hope someone listens and allows the Spirit to move them, not just educate them.

Walking out of church and other dramas

I've just read a great interview with Julie Neidlinger, which relates to a blog post on her website. The original post was called "Why I Walked Out of Church" and I suggest you read it before reading the interview. There's a link to it in the interview so start there.

I have to say I am simultaneously baffled yet completely unsurprised by the response to Julie's original post. I read it. I liked it. I liked it even though I didn't necessarily agree with every single word... although I think it was more that I couldn't relate entirely to her experience rather than that I disagreed. The church scene is Australia is quite different - life in general in Australia is quite different - so there were some things that were simply irrelevant to me. But here's the thing - it is actually possible to like an article/blog post even when it's not 100% relevant to me. I'm continually puzzled as to why people feel the need to attack things simply because they've suddenly discovered that the world is not, after all, populated by clones of themselves. I'm even more puzzled - and frankly, a little frightened - by the fact that people think it's a-okay to attack someone personally when you disagree with them. Well, it's okay on the internet. "Bravery" seems to increase as anonymity increases and it apparently hasn't occurred to these people that this kind of bravery is in fact most cowardly. But that's a rant for another day.

What struck a chord with me in the article were her comments about age segregation, which I think extends to "lifestyle" segregation. I am a 37-year-old unmarried Christian woman - in two months I'll be a 38-year-old unmarried Christian woman. Sadly, many churches and well-meaning, genuinely kind-hearted Christians don't seem to realise that it's not ALL I am. When I moved interstate nearly 5 years ago I rang many local churches to find out their service times and to get an idea of the makeup of the congregations. After talking a bit about myself I found I was constantly hearing this:

"Well, we have a traditional service at 8am, but that's mostly retired people so you wouldn't want to go to that. Then we have a family service at 11am but it's really for married people with kids so that's probably not for you either. And the evening service is youth oriented..." (Generally, they were too polite to add "... and you're too old" but believe me the implication was there.)

I'm realising more and more that churches simply don't know what to do with single people once they're over 30. It's not that they don't want to be welcoming; it's that they truly don't know. They fear that hanging around married people all the time will make me feel left out and sad. They do want me to feel comfortable and welcomed but they can't see how that's possible when there is no one else there in my life situation. And to some extent that's fair enough - I have friends of all ages and all life circumstances but there's no denying I appreciate friends who really understand the pressures, difficulties and joys of being a single woman in a married world. That being said, I don't want all my friends to be the same. My single friends and I joke about the "Smug Married" people who can't think of anything beyond their own happiness (which is entirely tied up in their married state), but for singles I think there's a real danger of "Smug Singles" syndrome where we deliberately avoid - and often bitch about - the married (Smug or otherwise) because we are sure they couldn't possibly understand us, and because we're bitter about the way they've avoided us. We form an exclusive club in reaction to what we perceive to be a different exclusive club to which we have not been invited. There's also the danger of the situation where single people rally together for support and end up 'encouraging' each other in bitterness and sadness and complete obsessiveness about being single.

I do want to be free to be sad, because sometimes I am. I want to be free to be confused and angry, because sometimes I am. But the key word here is sometimes - I don't want those feelings, and my singleness, to define me or to influence all my actions and thoughts. I don't want to associate only with people who "really understand" because it means, in part, that I believe no one else can empathise or care. That's simply not true. If you extend that example it means we can't care for the poor, the terminally ill, the starving... because only those who have been in that situation can truly understand and offer support. It sounds ridiculous when you say that but it's exactly the same principle.

I want to be in a church where there are married people, old people, kids, young people, single people, divorced people, disabled people, happy, sad, bitter and joyful people. In short, I want my church community to represent the real community. Yes, I have particular needs at times and sometimes they need to be met by particular people... but sometimes they are unexpectedly and most joyfully met by other dear brothers and sisters who are not 'just like me'. If I spent all my time with unmarried Christians over 30 I would have missed out on some delightful times and some real blessings. I have married friends who talk to me about their marriage, and I pray for them. I talk to them about being single, and they pray for me. I haven't ever been married and they haven't ever been single at the same age as me, but we love each other, we listen, we try to understand, and we pray.

Another important point, for me, is the understanding that for many unmarried Christians the church family is their only family. I have some very dear friends who have made space in their families to include me. I'm sure partly it's because they want to look after me and make sure I'm not left alone, especially as my 'real' family are all interstate, but mostly it's because we are friends. We have similar likes and dislikes, we understand each other and we have fun together. I'm a 'good fit' with them so it's natural to treat me as part of the family. It's not pity or kindness; it's friendship, love and like-mindedness. If I were only hanging out with people in my situation I'd never feel like part of a family. Trying to help unmarried Christians 'fit in' by pointing us towards other unmarried Christians often means we miss out on some valuable family relationships.

I've been living this situation for a long time in various churches and I don't have the solution. There is no "one size fits all" solution since we, married or single, are unique individuals with different needs, joys and hurts. But I can't help thinking it might be a good start if we learned to see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, and not as Christian couples, Christian parents, Christian singles, Christian students, etc. Let's see what happens when we turn that adjective into the noun.

Rossetti rocks

A Better Resurrection
Christina Rossetti

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears.
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.

My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk:
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall--the sap of spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perished thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.

One more

I should make a list of "words and phrases I hate". Here's another one: "ministry wives". That is, wives of those who are in full time Christian ministry. What I hate about it is that it implies (a) said wife has no ministry of her own; OR (b) her ministry consists of being a wife. Period.

My feeling is, if you want to make a woman feel like her work for God has no real value in its own right, or you want to discourage her from doing any ministry of her own, then call her a ministry wife. If a woman chooses to concentrate her energies on supporting her husband's work, so be it. That's entirely her choice and God values that... but I'd really hate to think she's doing it because she's been made to feel like that's all she's good for.

The truth and the way (a monologue)

I remember the days when we were sure about truth, and we could stand proud on it. Although perhaps we were a little too proud, like they say. After all, where does that leave that very nice Hindu couple downstairs? And what about old Mrs Whatsit up at number 28? She claims to be an atheist... although still puts up fairy lights, regular as rain come beginning of December. The local kiddies love them. Well, we couldn't leave her out when it comes to truth being revealed and the dead rising.

Oh, there are still some areas where we wouldn't want to budge. God exists; we're sure on that one. And Jesus... of course, he's nice enough but you must admit he does say some awkward things. All that 'love your enemies' stuff - he never had to deal with the woman in front of me today taking 23 items through the express lane, did he? As for the rest... well, he doesn't actually use the word 'only', as in "I am the only truth", so I reckon those folks are right when they say he really meant "I am a truth". They've done the study, after all; I'm sure they know what they're talking about. It doesn't mean it's not true; it's just a more enlightened understanding of what true means. I guess it's a good thing, really, this modern understanding. I'm as modern as your next person... it wouldn't do to be left behind, would it?

Of course, I do question it all sometimes. I suppose it just shows that I'm not far enough along the path yet. I asked the local chap - young and earnest, big ears, slightly nervous around the suddenly helpful unmarried lasses - and he said that I needed to understand that there is no absolute truth; there are many truths. Something might be true for me but it isn't necessarily true for the other person. Taking this view, he says, means that we're no longer excluding anyone and we're making God's love accessible to everyone. Progressive thinking, he says. I suppose he's right. I do want everyone to know God's love. And of course I don't want people to miss out on the whole eternity-in-paradise bit. Well, who would? So it looks like this is the way forward now.

[pause]

You know, it's really funny how it all changes over time... because I remember there used to be another Way. The Way.

[pause]

Well.

I suppose I'm just silly and old-fashioned...

Biblical theme park

Yes, really. I'm sure their hearts are in the right place... but honestly, is it any wonder people think we're weird?? And I'm sure the Simpsons did a take on this with Ned Flanders...

I'm officially old

Yep, it's official. I'm stuck in a time warp. I recently bought this DVD/CD set and it's awesome. AWESOME, I tell you. Quite aside from the fact that the music is right up my alley, I am overwhelmed at the thought that this was a time when young people were flocking to Jesus. Can you imagine?

Happy Easter

We sang this song on Sunday morning... I think it's pretty awesome.

Context

Sometimes it's good to stop looking at the tiny things and get a handle on my identity in God's context. It's huge, and wonderful.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will — to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment — to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession — to the praise of his glory.

(Ephesians 1 v 3 - 14)

Meditation

Meditation after an Interview

(Vassar Miller)

I speak myself, and my name
is only smoke
and less than smoke.

I say who I am, and my name
slips from my mouth
to become a word in a foreign tongue.

I explain myself, and my name,
turned witness against me, puts questions
I cannot answer.

I say myself, and my name
drifts out, a bright coloured bubble
to splinter against the wind.

But if You say me, my Lord, my name
I meet in Your darkness and hear it
singing content in Your silence.

A new home!

Finally a good news phone call from a real estate agent! This morning I received a call asking if I were still interested in a place for which I'd applied two weeks ago... this phone call meant that I was shortlisted, but I've been in that position before so I wasn't getting my hopes up. This afternoon I received a call from the property manager - and I knew before she spoke that I had the place. If you don't get it, the receptionist calls; if you do get it, the property manager calls. I was nearly incoherent with joy!

It's not a new place and some parts of it are looking a bit tired, but it's clean and roomy and it's not the kind of place where I need to line the kitchen cupboards with newspaper or wear thongs/flip-flops in the shower. To be honest I don't remember it all that well since it is one of many I've seen in the last several weeks - I have better memories of the places for which I didn't apply because they were generally so disgusting they stuck in my mind! I know I liked it though... I made the decision some time ago that I wouldn't submit applications for any place unless I was sure I would be happy to live there. Happy, not just 'able to tolerate it'. I remember the kitchen was fairly large (for an apartment) and there seemed to be a lot of storage space in the apartment. The bedrooms are smallish but the main bedroom isn't much smaller than what I have here, with slightly more wardrobe space. And it's in a suburb I wanted to live, so it's all good.

And where was God in all this? As it turns out... here the whole time. With my usual sparkling clear hindsight, I can see how God was at work not just in directing me to this place but in teaching me to trust him even when things don't work out the way I want. There were a lot of ups and downs in this process and several disappointments - one place in particular I really wanted and was devastated when I didn't get it - but I think it's taught me to rely on God. There were plenty of whiny prayers from me, I admit, but I've slowly come to pray more and more "I shall trust you whatever the outcome, and trust that all of this will make me more like Jesus." And it's been good to see God's involvement, as I posted last time. Why should he care about this stuff? No reason at all... except that he is good and loving and he knows me by name.

Edit: Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention... this place is $50pw cheaper than the place I turned down the other week. I feel vindicated!