Things of which I am proud

For Kate, here's a list of things of which I am proud and/or thankful in 2009...

I am proud that I got through the entire winter without depression, for the first time in... well, a long time.

I am proud of the times when I am able to say, "I was abused."

I am proud of finally saying, "I believe I can change and that healing is possible" and actually meaning it.

I am thankful that, with God and good friends, I survived a difficult period at work without killing the people who were making it difficult (even though I fantasised about it).

I am thankful for the fantastic people I've met through blogging.

I am enormously thankful for the love and support of 'N' and 'K', my wonderful prayer buddies.

I am thankful for a counsellor I can trust, who is also helpful, wise and funny, and who knows when to push and when to back off (although I admit I am not always thankful at the time when she pushes me). :D

I am proud of every bit of healing progress I have made, even when it's only tiny. It all counts.

I am thankful for music and poetry that lifts my spirits, makes me smile and shines a light in dark places.

I am thankful for my cat and her funny ways.

I am thankful that setbacks are temporary... and thankful for those who remind me of that when I'm stuck in darkness and can't see a way out.

I am thankful beyond words that God bears with me and loves me extravagantly and forever - even in the face of my constant doubts, uncertainties and fears.


And for more thankful lists from some wonderful people, check out Kate, Becky, Crazy Sister and Scurrette.
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Healing words

Thank you all for your comments on my last post - both the comments on my blog and those that came to me via email.  I appreciate them more than I can adequately express.

I'm not sure I made it very clear that my last post was a positive one. Well, the background information was negative, but the fact that I'm feeling the tiniest shred of something that might one day become compassion towards myself is... okay, it sounds like not much but believe me it's a big deal, and a very positive step in the right direction.

But back to you all... you "faceless internet identities" who've never met me in real life. I'm a stranger to you, right? Why should you care? Why on earth would you be supportive? And yet you are NOT strangers to me, even though we have not met. You DO care and you ARE supportive - time and time again, and in wonderful ways that I could not have expected. You have become my friends and I am blessed.

So I'm taking your comments to me from posts in recent weeks (plus some from people who know me for real) and I'm writing them here as facts. I don't believe them all yet, and maybe I won't for a long time, but I am kept strong by the fact that you believe them.  My belief in myself is shaky but I am hanging on to your belief.  So here goes...

* I have an amazing way with words
* I am courageous, strong and vulnerable
* I am a great woman
* I have a strong faith
* I am part of the Body of Christ
* I am precious
* I am a woman of compassion
* I am loved by God
* I am God's creation
* I am special
* I am worthwhile...

Thank you, my friends. When I come to believe these things it will be, in part, because you believed them first and helped point me towards the truth.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Ironically, A Tale of Two Cities (from whence cometh today's post title) is one of the few Dickens novels I didn't like and didn't bother to finish... but it's a handy quote to use as I think about the best and worst of 2008. In the true spirit of ending posts on a positive note, I'll start with...

The worst of 2008

Depression - this one is obvious, and it's a mixed bag. Jumbled together with this, in the spaghetti bowl that is my psyche, is the ongoing and often exhausting work of recognising and dealing with the effects of long-term abuse. The depression itself was in fact a symptom of not dealing with all those things... and wow, depression is not fun. June to August was a bad time for me and I'm sure it wasn't helped by the fact that it was winter. Winter is NOT my favourite part of living in Melbourne!

House hunting - I spent Nov/Dec 2007 and January/early February 2008 looking for a new rental home. It was a horribly degrading, tiring experience. I spent a lot of time traipsing around on stinking hot days looking at house after house. Real estate agents generally open rental properties once only, for a 15 minute inspection. If you don't come to the inspection you are not allowed to apply for it. If you DO come to the inspection, you are one of 50 or 60 people looking at the place. If the place is even remotely habitable and you decide to apply, you are then one of 50 or 60 people applying for the place. Of those, there are probably 20 or so candidates who fit whatever criteria the landlord and owner have in their heads. After that, it's just a game. The real estate agent might shortlist you, or they might not. Once they have a shortlist (usually 3 or 4 candidates) they take it to the owner and the owner chooses one. Their choice is based on... whatever they feel like, it seems. In some ways I was at an advantage because I have neither children nor pets, but also I was working part time and that was a definite disadvantage. I didn't apply for any place I couldn't afford but there's no doubt that someone earning $60K seems much more attractive to landlords than someone earning ~$37K. And regardless of how clean, polite, rich etc potential tenants might be, many real estate agents treat renters like scum. Sadly, the rental market is so tight that we are at the estate agents' collective mercies so it's not like we can rebel against the treatment. So yeah... house-hunting was a definite low start to the year.

Counselling - this item will appear on both lists, but for the 'worst of' list I am referring to counselling sessions with my previous counsellor. It wasn't all bad, but there came a point where I realised she had gone beyond the point of not helping and was making things worse. I feel it's no coincidence that my depression continued to get worse while I was seeing her (as she repeatedly told me I wasn't depressed and just needed to force myself to do things) and then started to improve once I stopped seeing her and found a new counsellor who was better suited to helping me. The period where I was becoming more and more depressed and was getting more and more frustrated with my counsellor was a very difficult part of 2008.

And now on to...

The best of 2008

Depression - no, really! Obviously the depression itself was horrible, but reaching that low point was the catalyst that enabled me to seek help and start to face up to things in my past... and that's the beginning of getting better.

Counselling - sometimes I hate it, but for the most part it's been so very helpful to me (once I'd changed counsellors). I'm on the road to healing and wholeness, and that's a great thing.

My home - after the nightmare that was house-hunting, I was offered this place. It's not brand new and it's not glamorous, but it fulfilled every single item on my wish list/prayer list in terms of size, features, suburb, storage space etc AND it was $50pw cheaper than every comparable place. My home has been a haven to me and I'm very happy here.

My job - I am the Office Manager in a medium-sized Anglican church. "Office Manager" is a bit misleading since no one else works in the office except me, but there you go, that's my title. My job also involves acting as PA to the minister. I work 4 days per week, ostensibly 28 hours although it's usually more. I have an organised mind... okay, borderline OCD... so this is a perfect job for me. More than that, though, I simply love working in a church. Well, I love working in that church. The other staff (minister, assistant minister, children's and families worker and one volunteer who comes in once a week) are all great; and the parishioners for the most part have been simply wonderful - loving, welcoming, helpful and fun. It's not a high-paying job, nor it is high-stress or high-powered, but I've had those high-everything jobs and they didn't make me happy. This job does, and that makes a very big difference to my general enjoyment of life.

My home group/Bible study group -The people in this group are simply a gift from God. They've been a wonderful support as well as being heaps of fun. I continue to be enormously grateful for their love, their prayers, their wisdom and their humour.

Blogging - more specifically, meeting new bloggy friends. You know who you are. Getting to know you a little bit and interacting on your blogs and via e-mail has been a real high point for me. It's also made me blog more... that's a high point for me but I can't guarantee it's a high point for anyone else!

God - no matter what else is going on in my life and no matter how I feel, God is good. He is infinitely loving, faithful and downright awesome... and He loves me.

So that's my year. There have been ups and downs but that's what makes us who we are so I wouldn't change any of them. Okay, except maybe the horrible house hunting experience... anyway I'm looking forward to what 2009 will bring.

Thankful

It's Thanksgiving, which we don't celebrate officially in Australia. We don't have the cultural history behind the holiday but I think it's still a great idea to think about things for which we are thankful.

So, in no particular order, here are 20 things for which I give great thanks:

• God, who loves me passionately, without reservation and without ceasing.
• Flannelette sheets, a hot water bottle and a good book on a cold and rainy winter evening.
• Soft, fresh white bread.
• My church.
  
• People who ask "how are you?" and really want to know the answer.
• Tulips.
• The internet, which has allowed me to 'meet' some great people from all over the world.
• Awesome apricot jam made by that lady at church.
• My job, which doesn't pay particularly well and will never bring me glory, but which brings me great joy.
• My day off, which also brings me great joy!
• Vanilla-scented candles.
• Poetry that shows me ideas I'd never considered; that speaks the thoughts I am unable to articulate; that shocks me; and that makes me laugh.
• Purple pens.
• My home which, although I only rent it, is a comfortable haven.
• Notebooks with thick paper and no lines.
  
• My vegetable garden.
• A good counsellor; and an excellent health system in Australia that enabled me to get appropriate help at the right time.
  
• Very ripe (but not over-ripe) nectarines.
• Music.
• My fantastic friends.