Wait, I agreed to what??

Every second Tuesday I meet with two friends to chat about our lives and pray together. It's a special time and it's been good to share the ups and downs and keep up with each other beyond, "How are you? Good? Good."

We've been meeting together since the beginning of March and in that time we've all been through various hard things as well as some celebrations. One thing we've each said consistently is that we really need to exercise more. There are various reasons for this... we all need to lose a bit of weight to be in our healthy weight range and we also each have health and/or emotional issues that could be helped by exercise. In my case, a number of factors have contributed to a significant increase in anxiety attacks in recent months. The good news (which is also the bad news) is that regular exercise is one thing that can help because it helps to burn off the large amounts of adrenaline that are produced during anxiety. It does make a real difference - I know this, and my counsellor has reiterated it a number of times. Knowing it, however, hasn't motivated me to exercise.

So today as we, in our prayer triplet, each said again that we "really should do some exercise" we decided it was time to stop talking and start doing. We have each committed to an exercise plan for the next fortnight and we're going to report back when we meet again in two weeks. My particular plan looks like this:

* Do a workout at the gym three times per week; and
* Walk to my counselling session next week and the week after instead of driving.

It looks pretty easy, right? The problem is, I haven't been near the gym in about four months and I'm not sure I can even make it up the stairs to the lockers, let alone manage a workout. And the nice little stroll to my counsellor's house for my session? Walking at a reasonable pace (faster than a stroll but not a power walk) it's going to take me roughly 70 minutes. Each way.

Yeah. What was I thinking??
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Bravery

I've been meeting up with a couple of friends every fortnight to pray and chat about how we're going. It's been such a blessing to us as we've all been dealing with some major things recently and have appreciated the mutual support and love.

Yesterday when we met I talked about how I've been going with counselling. One of my friends said, "I think you're very patient and very brave." That was a lovely thing to say and I was touched to hear it (even though it doesn't feel like that from my side)... but I couldn't help thinking that I'm just a little bit over the whole bravery thing now. What I'd actually like is for someone to say, "Look, you've been very brave and you've done really well... but we'll take over from here. You go have a lie down and eat some chocolate and relax."

I don't think that's going to happen, but hey - a girl can dream!.

Guess who got a new camera?

Guess who chose to use her credit card to buy a new camera instead of putting money towards her sizable credit card debt? But wait - I can justify it! It's a good one too... my weasly justification skills are top-notch (bearing in mind that I am a grown-up who is solely responsible for her finances and therefore doesn't need to justify her spending to anyone except herself, but I'll do it anyway). As my Loyal Readers know, generally I go home to Sydney for Christmas. This costs roughly $400 in return airfares and long-term parking at the airport. If I drive there it ends up being a comparable amount in petrol. On top of this are the Christmas presents. This year I didn't go to Sydney, I limited the people for whom I bought gifts, and of the gifts I did buy most of them came from Tear Australia's Useful Gift Catalogue. So really I saved hundreds of dollars I would normally spend at Christmas... that makes it A-OK to buy a new camera. Come on - who's with me??

Today I took the camera out for a spin and I had a great day. First I went to the William Ricketts Sanctuary. William Ricketts was a guy who bought 4 acres of bushland in 1930 and started filling it with sculptures. They're all clay (fired) but they're set in the bush to look as though they've grown out of the rocks and trees. It's an amazing, peaceful and beautiful place.

After a break for lunch at my favourite cafe I went to the National Rhododendron Garden. Again, beautiful and peaceful. I took my Bible, sat in the shade looking out over the valley and spent some time hanging out with God. Perfect.

I've included five photos from each place. To check out all the photos click on the links below, which will take you to my Picasa albums.

National Rhodendron Garden

William Ricketts Sanctuary

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Prayer upon waking

---- by Vassar Miller

Give me, my God, this day
the simple human grace
and fortitude to face
my loneliness, small stray,
no wolf, no tiger,
no lion of ferocious roar,
no demon eager
for souls this at my door.
Only a little child
crying and lost, half wild
to be let in and listened to,
closer than mine own kin,
she is my own,
and the sole creature who
tells me the truth so rendering You
what children by their nature do,
what long ago that stone,
my heart, was duty-bound to raise -
Your perfect praise.

Regret

There is a pit
with deeds and thoughts and regrets.
It's a magic movable hole that follows me around and tempts me
with its shiny blackness.

It scares me;
yet at the same time I am
in thrall to the dark, to the ease of falling in and becoming numb
in its embrace.

The daily choice
to resist the dark is not
clear and obvious as I once believed. Black dances and masquerades
as sparkling blue.

I believe;
yet I yearn to live
as a citizen of both worlds; living in the light and flirting with
the darkness.

Who will save me
from this body of death
when death smiles like life and opens its arms to me? I believe -
help my unbelief!

There is a pit
with deeds and thoughts and regrets.
It follows me around and tempts me but I know the Light is here
with a ladder.

Meditation

Meditation after an Interview

(Vassar Miller)

I speak myself, and my name
is only smoke
and less than smoke.

I say who I am, and my name
slips from my mouth
to become a word in a foreign tongue.

I explain myself, and my name,
turned witness against me, puts questions
I cannot answer.

I say myself, and my name
drifts out, a bright coloured bubble
to splinter against the wind.

But if You say me, my Lord, my name
I meet in Your darkness and hear it
singing content in Your silence.

A new home!

Finally a good news phone call from a real estate agent! This morning I received a call asking if I were still interested in a place for which I'd applied two weeks ago... this phone call meant that I was shortlisted, but I've been in that position before so I wasn't getting my hopes up. This afternoon I received a call from the property manager - and I knew before she spoke that I had the place. If you don't get it, the receptionist calls; if you do get it, the property manager calls. I was nearly incoherent with joy!

It's not a new place and some parts of it are looking a bit tired, but it's clean and roomy and it's not the kind of place where I need to line the kitchen cupboards with newspaper or wear thongs/flip-flops in the shower. To be honest I don't remember it all that well since it is one of many I've seen in the last several weeks - I have better memories of the places for which I didn't apply because they were generally so disgusting they stuck in my mind! I know I liked it though... I made the decision some time ago that I wouldn't submit applications for any place unless I was sure I would be happy to live there. Happy, not just 'able to tolerate it'. I remember the kitchen was fairly large (for an apartment) and there seemed to be a lot of storage space in the apartment. The bedrooms are smallish but the main bedroom isn't much smaller than what I have here, with slightly more wardrobe space. And it's in a suburb I wanted to live, so it's all good.

And where was God in all this? As it turns out... here the whole time. With my usual sparkling clear hindsight, I can see how God was at work not just in directing me to this place but in teaching me to trust him even when things don't work out the way I want. There were a lot of ups and downs in this process and several disappointments - one place in particular I really wanted and was devastated when I didn't get it - but I think it's taught me to rely on God. There were plenty of whiny prayers from me, I admit, but I've slowly come to pray more and more "I shall trust you whatever the outcome, and trust that all of this will make me more like Jesus." And it's been good to see God's involvement, as I posted last time. Why should he care about this stuff? No reason at all... except that he is good and loving and he knows me by name.

Edit: Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention... this place is $50pw cheaper than the place I turned down the other week. I feel vindicated!

God's involvement

Recently I've been on the house-hunting treadmill and it's been somewhat of a depressing process. The rental market is ridiculously tight, which means that when rental properties are open for inspection there are 30 - 50 people there looking at it, and the majority of them will put in applications. This means that even if your application is good (ie, you're employed and respectable looking) it's still a bit of a lottery. I've applied for several places and been knocked back and I was starting to get quite discouraged about the whole thing.

Last week I was offered a place on a private lease (no real estate agent) but ended up turning it down - even though the place was lovely - because I had some concerns about the honesty of the owner, who wanted to put an illegal clause in the lease. It ended up being two days of rollercoaster emotions - thrilled to be offered the place, concerned about the owner, worried that if I turned it down I'd never find anything else, and eventually great relief and the conviction that I'd made the right decision. Through all of this I felt very strongly that God was keenly interested, and was directly guiding me. Sure, I had doubts and fears, but I still believe that God had his hand on the whole thing and kept me from making a bad decision.

This led to discussions with a couple of friends about God's level of involvement in these 'mundane' and trivial things. I mean, realistically, as long as I have a roof over my head and I'm warm and dry it really doesn't matter where I live... so why should God care, or bother to be involved? But that's the awesome thing, isn't it? The creator of the universe, the God who sustains all things, the God who sent his Son to save all humanity... THIS God knows me intimately and cares about all the 'mundane' areas of my life. A dear friend in another state had these words of wisdom for me:

It's funny - maybe frustrating is a better word - when you have the more rigid, apparently orthodox trying to insist that silly things like where we live and what we work are of too little import to God, He's far too busy with bigger things to fuss over material concerns (that is the sense I get anyway) yet I am there thinking, "if He's all-powerful then he can be as intensely interested in where I live as much as the state of my soul; He can be deeply into both simultaneously surely!" Indeed - as much as these rigid folk seem to discount or disallow experience - it has been very much my experience that God has plans for me for every facet of my life...

...I am getting a little weary of [these] blinkers - God is far more enormous than they would have Him - and more frightening too, in a good and terrible and stunning and comforting way. In fact it seems Jesus spends more words on taking care of the orphan and the widow than he does on orthodoxy. Hmm...

Behind already

It's January 4 and I'm already 4 days behind in my One Year Bible. To be fair, though, I only decided today to give it another go. I'm not sure whether I'll stick with it for the whole year or mix it up with other studies or whatever, but I'll start now and see how it goes. Genesis is always fun... if not a tad Melrose Place-ish.

Hurrah!

Yesterday I went for a job interview and this morning they rang and offered it to me. Hurrah! Actually I already knew because they rang my referees and told them they were planning to offer me the job... so of course one of them immediately e-mailled me and said, "I have good news about your job." To which I replied, "I think that's actually a breach of privacy legislation... but yay!"

It's a church secretary position - one of those catch-all jobs that's perfect for someone like me who loves to organise things and bring order to chaos. It sounds like I'll have a number (a large number) of regular tasks each week/fortnight but a fair bit of autonomy as to how they are done. I'm looking forward to starting... okay, I admit, I'm mostly looking forward to having a regular - and quite decent - income. Nothing like what I was earning in the old days, but about double what I get from Austudy so I'm definitely ahead. I'll keep at least two of my cleaning jobs but may have to negotiate the others. I'm not sure it's feasible to keep all of them, but if I drop one of the fortnightly ones that leaves me with two per week (three clients, two of them fortnightly and one weekly). I'd like to keep them up, partly because all three of them are friends from church and I know that the cleaning is a big help to them, and partly because I don't want to drop all my cleaning jobs and have the church secretary job fall through unexpectedly in two months. I'll try it this way for a month or two and see how it goes.

My only small concern is that I'll have less time for doing uni work, although the way I'll probably organise my hours means I'll have one full day and two half days free, as well as evenings and weekends. It will mean being more disciplined, and that's a bit of a worry given what my concentration and energy levels have been like. However, I'm hoping that having less time might motivate me to work more efficiently in the time I have. My iron levels are better and that has given me a bit more energy, but I'm still sleeping quite badly and still having some pretty bad days emotionally. However, I feel like I'm moving uphill, albeit very slowly and not without pain and effort, so I think this will be good, ultimately. If nothing else, having a regular job will give me a reason to get out of bed, and organisation/admin tasks will be good for my brain.

I'm constantly amazed at God's sense of timing. I was looking for a job a couple of months ago and really hoping that I would find a church admin type position somewhere. I ended up being very discouraged because nothing was available, but in hindsight I realise I just didn't have the physical or emotional energy for a regular job. I really needed those few extra weeks to get a bit healthier and to start to see some benefit in counselling. This last counselling session was the first one where I felt like it might actually be helpful, not just painful, and the first time that I felt like I could eventually feel better... and was offered this job two days later. This is not to suggest that everything is fixed now, but I can see the way God knows the best timing for things. This is both an answer to prayer and a reason for prayer - praise God!

Leunig poem

Someone sent me this poem today... it speaks to me very strongly right now.

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open

Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting

Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring

Let it go, let it out
Let it all unravel
Let it be free and it can be
A path on which to travel
--- Michael Leunig

Thoroughly equipped

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13 v 20-21)

This is a great thing to be praying for each other but I think it's also something good to be praying for ourselves. I pray for a lot of things - and that's fine; God wants to hear my prayers and wants me to bring all my requests to him - but I confess I don't often pray to be equipped to do his will. I think I'm more likely to grudgingly accept that I might have some spiritual gifts that I'm prepared to use if I'm not too inconvenienced... perhaps I need to spend a little more time actively seeking to do God's will, and praying that he will equip me with everything good in order that I may do so (rather than asking for everything good so that I may lead a comfortable life).

Reflections on Daniel

I finished reading Daniel a couple of days ago and I'm still reflecting on what I learned from it. It's a difficult book in many ways - even the 'easy' chapters - and it's hard to know quite what to do with it when it's so far outside my experience and talks about things that seem irrelevant to me.

One thing to which I keep coming back is that God is in control of all things, even the bad things. In one way it seems like the early chapters, which focus on events that happen to Daniel, are a prelude to the later chapters that focus on things that happen on a much larger scale. God was in control of the smaller things and therefore can be trusted with the bigger things. The later chapters also show that God is not unaware of suffering; nor is it outside his control or outside his plans for the world (or the individual). There is plenty of suffering prophesied in Daniel, but it's never unexpected and never takes God by surprise. In chapter 11 there is a lot of stuff about a powerful and evil king who will arise, yet the chapter makes clear that "he shall come to his end, with none to help him" (11 v 45). God was in control of the king's demise AND in control of his initial rise to power. All of it was God's plan. Makes me think twice about some political leaders who haven't impressed me... I think I've been trying to ignore the bits in the Bible about God appointing the rulers and authorities... ;-)

Daniel ends with a vision of what will happen when the suffering is complete:

"...there shall be a time of trouble, such has never been since there was a nation till that time. But at that time your people shall be delivered, everyone whose name shall be found written in the book. And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt." (Daniel 12:1-2)

It reminded me what prayers for world peace and justice really mean - they are prayers for Jesus to return to judge the world. That's a pretty sobering thought, particularly in light of the many people I love who do not know Jesus.

Visions

It's really quite hard to know what to do with the visions and prophecies in the Bible. I'm reading through Daniel at the moment and today I read chapter 8, where Daniel has a vision of a ram and goats. Gabriel interprets the vision for him, but at the end Daniel says, "I was appalled by the vision and did not understand it." (Daniel 8 v 27b) While it's somewhat comforting to know that even Daniel didn't quite get it, it does leave me wondering exactly what I'm supposed to take from this? We're working through Daniel in the evening service at church, so I suppose I'll have someone else's views on this in a few weeks... for the moment, what I'm taking from it is that God is in control of all things. Daniel's visions are mostly about the rise and fall of kingdoms and of evil in the world - that's the kind of thing that can be disheartening and leave people wondering what God is doing. I guess it's comforting to know that God is in control of the (seemingly) godless stuff too. (But I'll keep you posted on what is said in the sermon in a few weeks...)

And in other news:
I managed to get a fair bit done on my essay yesterday, so I'm feeling okay about that, even though I'm still way behind in my work. I actually enjoyed what I was studying, too, which is a definite answer to prayer. Honours has not been fun so far, which has been somewhat disappointing given how much I enjoyed the previous three years. Well, I enjoyed the studying... there were plenty of other things going on in life that weren't so enjoyable. Anyway I was starting to feel like this year was tainting everything I've done previously, which would be no way to finish (if I should have to finish after this year).

And while I'm talking about answers to prayer - Melbourne's water storage levels are up to 32%, while Sydney's are up to 55%. They've both increased over the last few weeks; and that's the highest Sydney's has been in ages. Praise God!

God's plans, our plans

Most of the time it's impossible for us to see God's plans except in hindsight, although sometimes things 'feel right', or are clearly the right choice (eg, between something legal or illegal). Usually, however, we just have to trust that God has it all under control.

I started reading Daniel today, and have never noticed before how clearly it states that the captivity to Babylon was part of God's plan. "And the Lord gave Jehoiakim king of Judah into his [Nebuchadnezzar's] hand..." (Daniel 1 v 2) Although Daniel and his friends were faithful Jews, I still think they must have been wondering why on earth God had allowed them to be taken to Babylon. It's all very well to say, "God is in control of all things" but it gets a bit harder when you're the one being taken into captivity... or losing your job or suffering depression or losing a loved one or writing off your car or whatever it might be. I find I'm good at the '20/20 hindsight' part but not so great at the 'trusting God while the crappy stuff is happening' part. I suppose this is where we need to be reading God's word and praying - how can we remember that God is trustworthy unless we're reading the Bible, where we can see time and again that God is trustworthy and faithful? Sadly, we tend to be creatures who need evidence before we'll believe anything. Well, the evidence is there.

And in other news...
I'm still really loving the new prayer routine. I don't know what it was, but writing my prayers seems to have unblocked whatever it was that was making prayer such a chore for me before. I still pray the 'old fashioned' way too, since it's not always convenient to stop and drag out a prayer diary and a pen, but the times I can sit down in peace and write out my prayers are pretty special. Praise God, eh?

And in other other news...
Uni work is getting back on track slowly. Well, I am getting back on track with it. I wrote a new research/writing timetable that has realistic goals this time - boy, that makes a difference! I'm still behind where I should be, but sticking to this timetable will help get me to a point where I'm not panicking - and won't be trying to write an 18,000 word thesis in the last week before it's due.

Giving things to God

It's really quite hard to know when I've truly given something over to God. I've been worrying about my future - partly about the rest of this year, but also about what I'll do next year, and about the end of the year, since my government benefits will cease in November some time, but I won't know until January whether I am eligible for a scholarship for post-grad... and even then it probably wouldn't be paid until March, which means I'll be 4 months with no income. Scary, since I have to pay rent and eat. So anyway I was praying about all this tonight, and I prayed that I would be able to stop worrying and give the situation over to God. The thing is, though, giving something over to God doesn't mean I can entirely dismiss it from my mind. I still need to make a decision about applying for post-grad, I still need to fill in the forms, I still need to think responsibly about how I'll pay the rent at the end of the year. I don't think that handing things to God means we're allowed to turn off our brain, but then that raises the question of whether I've really handed it over to God. I suppose the real indicator will be my stress and worry levels... I suspect I'll need to hand this to God more than once!

In other news:
I'm still enjoying spending time with God, possibly for the first time in my Christian life... which is a little worrying. (Still, better late to this party than not at all.) My struggle at the moment is to make Christianity part of my whole life. Obviously I'm always a Christian, but the temptation is to 'do' God time and leave it at that. Reading the Bible and praying are great things to be doing, but I don't want it to become a case of 'I've done my 20 minutes; now I can get on with my day'. It's a bit of a balancing act and I'm not too good at it at the moment.

Spiritual gifts

I've been a Christian for 19 years now, and I think for a lot of that time I've been secretly hoping to develop one of the 'sexy' gifts. You know, hoping that I'd suddenly develop musical ability, or discover that I'm a great writer, a dynamic speaker or a gifted evangelist. I think that after all this time it's safe to say that if I did have one of those gifts it would probably have emerged by now. I know that I am a good administrator (some have called me borderline OCD, but I prefer to say 'administrator') but I've never really considered it a gift... which is somewhat stupid since it's specifically mentioned in the Bible. The thing is, I've always approached it as a 'fill in' type thing; a way of helping people out while they exercise their gifts. I've never seen it as kingdom work, and thus never been particularly thoughtful about the way I use it.

I have only realised recently (ie, in the last couple of weeks) that administration is not something that is done to allow others to use their gifts; it is itself a gift. Sure, it's a support function, but as part of the body of Christ we're all in support roles, aren't we? We all make up different parts and we're all supposed to be helping each other. Anyway, since it IS a gift I have come to realise that I need to be using it deliberately, rather than just stepping in to help people out as needed. I came to this conclusion about half an hour before going to my Bible study at uni, where the AFES person who looks after the Christian Union work on campus said, "Could you please pray for CU admin stuff, because there are a whole lot of things that needs to be done and no one really has time to do them... and we can't pay anyone." I thought, "Far out, God really doesn't waste any time, does he?" We prayed about it there, and I prayed about it again when I got home. And of course... guess what? I'm now giving CU three hours of my time each week to do admin work. Now there's a surprise. Actually, since I was the one who happened to pray for it during the study, I was in fact my own answer to prayer. Now THAT'S efficient!

I'm also doing some admin stuff for the music team at church, but that's not as regular and won't take up so much time. I feel good about these decisions, even though it impacts on my time. I think what I feel good about is the understanding that I'm doing what I should be doing, not just wandering around looking for little jobs to help people out. Helping people is important, of course, but committing to something on a regular basis can be far more helpful than the one-off stuff.

The other things about which I've always tried to be deliberate is encouragement, although I'm not sure that's necessarily one of my gifts. I try to make sure I'm sending out at least one letter / e-mail / card etc per week, to different people, just to encourage them in whatever they're doing, or to let them know I'm praying for them, or to say whatever happens to be appropriate to their situation at the time. However, I see this as just a regular part of caring for each other, and encouraging fellow believers to stay strong in the Lord - so I don't see it so much as one of MY gifts, but rather as the sort of thing we should all be doing anyway.

Renewed enthusiasm

It's amazing how picking a different time of day to read the Bible and pray has given me a renewed enthusiasm for it. I haven't yet started the 'quiet times in the car' plan, as I've taken a couple of days off uni, but I've made an effort to spend some relaxed time with God in the middle of the day. It's been good - I think part of the reason is that I'm not trying to read a huge number of chapters at a time, and I'm not pressuring myself to have 28 life-changing moments before breakfast, so to speak. At the moment I'm reading a chapter of Acts per day - given how low my enthusiasm has been for this, I thought it better not to make things harder by starting with Chronicles or Leviticus.

Another thing that's really helped has been writing my prayers down. I was chatting with a friend the other day and she said she finds it helpful to write her prayers, and since doing that she's been enjoying prayer a lot more. At the time I thought, "Good for you, but that's not for me," but I decided to give it a go anyway... and I recant my former scepticism, because it's been really great. One fear I had was that I would be less than honest, because I'm not sure I want people finding this when I'm dead (!) but decided, meh - I'll be dead anyway; what do I care? I'm sure it would be good for my family to know what life is like as a Christian, since they're somewhat baffled by me at the best of times! Also, although I am someone who keeps diaries occasionally but not with any real regularity or enthusiasm, I thought it would feel a bit weird to write prayers down in the same way I'd say them... but it's not. I should have known it would be fine, since I've become a bit of a fan of free writing in a uni context, and I'm a letter-writer from way back. (Yes, I mean real letters, on paper, with a pen. Remember those?) And, you know.... I keep a blog! It's not that much different and makes it feel more like a dialogue with a real person. Which it is, of course.