A different kind of Christmas

I've just had the first Christmas where I didn't see a single member of my family. I'm interstate from the rest of my family and I opted to stay put this year (which caused its own hassles, but that's a story for another day). Generally in my family we all get together at my parents' house for lunch. This is fairly unusual in itself - I'm one of five kids and my siblings all have partners and children and/or stepchildren, yet the Christmas Day celebration is still centred around our birth family, not their own families. Of course they still have their own celebrations but the main shindig is the one where we all get together. Let me put this in perspective - my siblings are aged 50, 48, 44 and 30 (and I'm 38) and between them they have 8 kids/stepkids aged from 25ish to nearly 4, plus 3 (step)grandkids... yet up to this point no one has said, "Hey, we're a pretty big family in our own right - we want to have our own Christmas lunch this year. Maybe the rest of us should get together on another day." I find it kind of astonishing, really. If this continues it's entirely possible that my nephews will grow up and leave home never knowing what it was like to have Christmas lunch in their own home.

So this is what I was up against when I said, "Uhhh... guess what? I'm going to stay here in Melbourne this year for Christmas." My younger sister jokingly told me that I've RUINED CHRISTMAS... but then told me they've been wanting to have Christmas in the Philippines one year, with her partner's family, and she thinks I might have paved the way. Hey, that makes me a trailblazer!

My parents' real concern was that I would be spending Christmas alone - they just didn't get the fact that being part of a church means I would only be alone on Christmas Day if I went out of my way to be so. As soon as people heard I wasn't going back to Sydney I had about 12 invitations... and even if I hadn't had invitations from people I know, my church works very hard to identify people who'll be alone and to hook them up with families who can fit another person or two around their table at Christmas.

I haven't chatted with my family yet to find out what Christmas was like from their end. For me, it was incredibly relaxing. I suspect for many families, Christmas celebrations bring with them an undercurrent of tension. You're bringing together a group of people who have a long history together of the good, the bad and the very very ugly; and for many families, like mine, it's the only day of the year when you're all together in the same room. I keep in pretty close contact with my sisters but I only see my brothers on Christmas Day or if someone dies and we happen to be at the same funeral. This, of course, means that I also barely know my sisters-in-law. Christmas lunch tends to be awkward and slightly tense. My mother gets very stressed about the food preparation, my sisters spend a lot of time chasing after their kids and trying to stop them being maimed in drunken backyard cricket games, my step-nieces and step-nephews clearly hate being there because they haven't grown up with my family so we're virtual strangers to them, my brothers don't lift a finger to help with anything and invariably become drunk and very obnoxious, and my dad tries to keep everyone happy but usually ends up getting in trouble from my mother for... I don't know, breathing the wrong way.

Of course, there are great things too. We have a long-running contest about the Christmas crackers - we take turns buying them and there's always good natured rivalry about the quality of the gift inside the cracker, as well as the corniness of the joke. ("How do you get down from an elephant? You don't - you get down from a duck." Ar ar ar.) There is the tradition of walking down the road at night to look at the house with the truly horrendous, tacky Christmas lights all over their house and lawn. There is the unspoken agreement that at some point during the meal someone will hand my mother a paper napkin and say, "How did you make those elf shoes again?" (One year she folded the napkins into the shape of an elf shoe. They were very cute but by the following year she'd forgotten how to do it, and every year she tries and fails. It's fun to watch... yes, we're cruel!) There are lots of fun things and I was sad to miss them this year... but underneath all that I was relieved to enjoy a Christmas Day lunch with people I love, and to spend several hours there without anyone fighting, getting tense, getting stressed, getting drunk. I didn't even know Christmas could be like that. I'm not saying it was a Hallmark Christmas, but it was still pretty good and I came home feeling sated, relaxed and loved. It was a good day.
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What to do?

It's raining.  It's going to be raining the entire time my parents are here.  I can't do any touristy things with them because they don't want to go anywhere in the rain... unless we go hang out at a local shopping centre, which frankly they could do at home.

I ask them if there's anything they'd like to do.  They say they don't mind.  They ask what I would like to do.  I say I don't mind.  I don't know where to take them or what to do with them. They are kind of happy just sitting at home and watching television, but then I feel bad that I'm not being a better host and I think they feel that they're intruding on my life and forcing me to entertain them.

Underneath it all is the unspoken recognition that we are strangers who happen to have a lifetime of history together. We really don't know each other at all; and although there are valid (albeit complicated) reasons for that, it is still very sad.

Happy families

My parents are arriving today from interstate for a short visit - they fly home again on Monday afternoon. I have mixed feelings about their visit. I'm anxious and I don't particularly want them here, which makes me feel guilty and mean. But given our history, I'm not sure my feelings are entirely inappropriate.

I have an uneasy relationship with my parents, for different reasons that tend to morph together. One reason is fairly ordinary parent/child relationship stuff. My parents are tremendously bothered that I'm not married, and therefore they tend to assume that (a) I'm missing out on... just about everything; and (b) I'm not a real grown-up and need to be looked after. These assumptions tend to manifest themselves as my parents treating me like I'm a little girl playing house. When I was still living in Sydney my father once dropped around right on dinner time to repair something for me. I was just serving up my dinner-for-one - as I recall, something fairly boring like fish and steamed veges - and he looked at it and said, "So... you cook for yourself, do you?" (Actually I've had a similar question from a number of people - the assumption seems to be that people who live alone get by with just a can opener and a spoon.) With my father, though, the question implied amazement that I cook for myself and that I'm able to cook. He expresses similar amazement when I do things like arrange for my car to be repaired or... move interstate... and every time I do something 'grown up' he grills me with the most ridiculous questions to try to catch me out and prove I don't really know what I'm doing after all. I know there is genuine concern and care behind it, but there's only so long a person can put up with hearing things like, "When you put your car away in the garage make sure you've turned the engine off before you shut the garage door" (so I don't die of carbon monoxide poisoning in the 3.5 seconds it takes me to get from the garage roller door to the side exit door that leads to my backyard). My parents must be constantly astonished that I've managed to live this long without serious injury.

My mother tends to assume I'm missing out on everything and must be compensated. Actually my father thinks that too but he's too busy trying to keep me alive to do anything else. In my family we have stopped giving Christmas presents now - I have 4 siblings and they all have families of their own so we decided it was a ridiculous expense and was only causing us stress. I'm fine with it; in fact I was one of the instigators of this move. My mother, however, is horribly concerned that I won't get ANY presents for Christmas because I don't have a partner to buy me anything... so she said recently, "Well, I suppose we'll have to buy you a present this year, won't we?" Yes, that's verbatim. I assured her that I am very likely to get Christmas gifts from friends, and as a Christian the gifts aren't the most important part of the day for me anyway, but I think she remains unconvinced. I'm thinking now I should just milk this... "I'm soooo lonely and unfulfilled, but I know I'd feel better if only I had that red couch from Ikea... and maybe a flat-screen TV too. That would help to ease the pain..."

The other reason for my difficult relationship with my parents is more serious. Many of you who know me in real life are aware that I experienced long-term emotional abuse and bullying at the hands of one of my brothers. All siblings fight and disagree to a certain extent, but in my case my brother's behaviour was calculated, pre-meditated, sadistic and quite deliberate. - and it went on for about 15 years. In a few instances there was physical abuse - I once sported a particularly spectacular black eye - but for the most part his weapons were humiliation, belittling and disempowerment. (There's an okay article here about sibling abuse.) He was very good at what he did and I know there was a great deal that my parents didn't see. I think my father was probably oblivious to just about everything anyway as he was a shift-worker and was often at work or asleep during the times we were awake. My mother, on the other hand, was there and I know she saw at least some of what was going on... yet never intervened. It's possible she dismissed it as normal sibling fights and didn't really understand the extent or impact of what my brother was doing - this is one of the reasons sibling abuse is so little recognised or understood - but even so there are a few painful incidents where she simply failed to protect me.

This abuse has had a profound effect on my life. It's affected my self-worth, my ability to trust, my confidence; and it contributed to the depression I experienced earlier this year. Praise God I have a great counsellor who has experience in abuse recovery and has been tremendously helpful. Healing is a slow process but it's definitely possible and I'm happy with the progress I've been making. As far as my parents are concerned, however... there's a lot of anger there and other mixed feelings. I've never discussed this with them and I don't intend to because it wouldn't be helpful (they would never recognise my brother's behaviour as abuse and trying to make them recognise it would completely destroy our relationship) but that means that when they decide to visit I am processing a lot of stuff and it tends to be a very anxiety-inducing time for me.

Wow, this post is longer and more intense than I had intended.... sorry to make you sit through a counselling session! Many of you already knew this stuff anyway and I continue to be enormously grateful for your love and support.

For those of you who are the praying types, please pray that I can get through this visit without unnecessary trauma. They're here for five days... and I think I'll be taking comfort in blogging a lot during that time. You have been warned!

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Today is my birthday...

...and I'm taking this opportunity to say this to my friends:

I feel enormously blessed to have you in my life. Many of you became family to me when I moved interstate. Others of you are my 'family back home'... although you are scattered all over the world now. Some of you I have known for years but have never met in real life (thank you, internet).

You have supported me, encouraged me, helped me in practical ways, prayed for me, welcomed me into your lives and homes, and given me some of the best laughs ever.

My life is so much richer for knowing you and sharing your lives. You warm my heart and I love you heaps.

Home

I'm not entirely sure when this happened, but somewhere along the way 'home' has moved. When I moved interstate nearly four years ago the state I'd left was most definitely home. Over the Christmas break I would spend nearly two months there visiting family and catching up with friends, as well as coming home several times during the year for a week or two. That time was so important to me and really gave me an emotional lift. I felt like a stranger and an alien for a very long time when I moved interstate so coming home several times a year helped me to get through the rest of the year. Lately, though, I've realised that the opposite is true. I come 'home' to visit family and find myself anxious to get back 'home' to familiar and comfortable surroundings. How did this happen?

I think one thing that helped this happen is that, about 18 months ago, I finally found a church that feels like home, and where I have made good friends. Previously I longed for my old church where I knew there were people who cared about me and were praying for me; and where everything was familiar, because my 'new' church never ever felt like home, even though some of the people were friendly. Now, however, I feel like I have a church family again and that's made a huge difference to the way I feel about the place. This is not to say that I have abandoned my old church - I still miss the people there and I still feel a wonderful sense of belonging when I come back for holidays, but now when I say 'my church' I'm talking about the new(er) one, not the old one.

Church has been a big factor in my alliegance shift; and another thing that's helped is having a 'proper' job. I've had lots of jobs since I've been there but they've all been 'get me through uni' jobs. Now I'm not studying and the decision to find a job there instead of going back 'home' to find one was a big step for me. That's when I really felt like I'd moved for good.

Having said all of this, and given the supposed rivalry between the two states (which actually only exists from one side), I'll always be proud to say that I came from the first place, even though I now live in the second.

Doubts

Anyone who's known me for more than 10 minutes usually works out pretty quickly that I love to help people. If there are meals to be cooked, a house to be cleaned, packing to be done or any other way I can lend a hand then I'm usually there. I do these things because it makes me happy to help... but on the flip-side of the happiness, it causes me some insecurity and doubt.

My friends are usually grateful to have help when it's needed, and because I tend to help a number of different people I'll often have people saying things like, "You're so great... what would we do without your help?" While that's lovely (and entirely heartfelt) it often makes me wonder, "What would our friendship be like if I were not so willing to help out so often?" I guess this just highlights my own insecurities and inability to trust people... but it would be really good sometimes if people said nice things about ME as a person, and not just about me in reference to what I do. The things I do stem from who I am as a person, but there is more to me than that. I'd like to think that if I were suddenly incapacitated and unable to do the things I do now (or I were not incapacitated but decided to stop doing them anyway), my friends wouldn't change their opinion of me. And frankly, I'd like to be sure about what that opinion is... it's not like people are over-eager to share. I include myself in that - I very rarely tell my friends how much they mean to me, and why.

I know, I know, it's all about my fears and insecurities.... but surely I'm not the only one who thinks things like this occasionally??

Women's friendships

Obviously I can only speak about this as a woman, but I think there's something special about friendships between women. I have many female friends who are married, yet they all have close friendships with other women and seem to find them immensely valuable. Not more so than their marriages, obviously, but they're different.

I have friendships with many people - men, women, couples, singles - and I enjoy spending time with all of them, but it's the time spent alone with other women that's most valuable to me. I'm not even sure exactly what it is... is it the shared experiences? Is it the similarity in the things we think or the way we think them? I'm not sure, but I know that when I spend time with my female friends I usually leave feeling refreshed and strengthened.

When I lived in my home state I had a good network of women friends, and I'm slowly building that here but it's taking some time; and it's something I miss very much. Recently some friends went away for the weekend with other women (this is something they do every year) and I was somewhat jealous when they told me about it. Not jealous of their particular weekend, and not desiring to go to that, but jealous because it's something I used to do with my friends back home, and haven't done for a number of years now. Well, maybe jealous isn't the right word... but it stirred up some feelings of loss. I've managed to reproduce many things from home, here in this new home, but there's still a bit of a hole where that network used to be and I'm finding things quite lonely and empty without it.

Single... but okay

On Sunday morning at church, after the service, I was chatting with two other unmarried women over a cup of tea. I didn't seek them out because they're unmarried; it just happened that the three of us were chatting. Someone came up to us to introduce a woman who'd come to the church for the first time that morning. This particular newcomer is married with a small child, but was there on her own that morning. The woman introducing her said (I kid you not), "This is [name], [name] and [name]. They're not married... (pause)... but it's okay. They're mature."

I think I know what she was trying to say, but honestly - "they're not married... but it's okay"?? Nope, didn't make me feel like a pariah at ALL...

Feline tendencies

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a friend, attempting to organise a couple of things we need to do. In the middle of the e-mail she wrote something along the lines of "you are dear to us and we feel blessed that you're in our lives". (That's 'us' as in her family, not as in the Queen Victoria usage of the first person plural.) The comment was unrelated to the other stuff in the e-mail; just a nice thing to say. I'd been having an okay day anyway but that made it a really good day - I had a warm glow for the rest of the afternoon! Which made me think... I'm just like a cat - all it takes is one little pat on the head and I start purring. It was something so simple, too... so maybe it's a good idea to let people know we appreciate them. It doesn't have to be roses and chocolates (although who needs a special occasion to eat chocolate??); just a little note or e-mail can brighten someone's day. Why not try it yourself?

Being a security blanket

When I first came to my current church I knew one person, who's in my Bible study at uni, and I met his wife when I came to the church. They've been really great at looking after me, being extremely generous with their time, having me over to meals and introducing me to various people at the church. (Oh yes, AND they got me completely hooked on The West Wing, but that's another story!) I love them dearly for a number of reasons, but I've only recently realised what a difference it has made to the way I feel about the church, and how quickly it helped me settle in and feel at home.

We recently had a couple leave our Bible study because they're looking for a new church. They've been at the church for a year but I don't think they've ever really felt part of the place. I know how hard it is to come to a new church, and it led me to wondering why I had so little trouble coming to this church. Is the congregation actually that much friendlier than other churches I've attended? Well, they're certainly very friendly and loving, but I doubt they're that much friendlier than many other churches, and I'm sure there are still plenty of lonely people in the congregation who think it's not a friendly church. There are three congregations and they're all quite large so it's very easy for people to slip between the cracks. No, I think the difference for me is that I quickly became friends with this one couple at church. This was helpful in several ways - firstly, I knew there were at least two people who would smile and be friendly to me, which makes a big difference in that awkward, 'hanging around drinking a cup of tea on my own and trying not to look pathetic and needy' period after the service - they tended to look out for me... and notice when I was looking a little pathetic and needy! Secondly, they were very good at introducing me to different people, hanging around briefly to join in the conversation and then leaving me on my own to continue chatting (once it was clear I wasn't going to cry because they'd left). Lastly, just knowing that I had one set of friends gave me confidence to branch out on my own and initiate conversations with other people - because I knew that if it was a disaster, I still had my 'security blanket' of friends to fall back upon.

This has made me think differently about the way I approach new people, particularly if it's a person on their own. I'm usually okay at having a brief conversation, and at introducing new people to other people. I think, though, that it may be more helpful to invest a bit more time with one person, rather than trying to meet all the new people at once. It doesn't mean we have to become best buddies with a new person every month - I have been blessed by this couple becoming my good friends but that's certainly not guaranteed - but I do think it's a good idea to make the effort to look after a new person for a month or two, or however long it takes them to find their feet. I've heard so many people say "I wouldn't have stayed at the church if so-and-so hadn't made a point of talking with me every week." It's not a matter of hand-holding, it's a matter of showing love and letting people gain confidence and feel at home slowly. Moving to a new church, and especially a large church, is very daunting and having a friendly face or two on whom you can rely to remember you each week makes a massive difference.

Spiritual gifts

I've been a Christian for 19 years now, and I think for a lot of that time I've been secretly hoping to develop one of the 'sexy' gifts. You know, hoping that I'd suddenly develop musical ability, or discover that I'm a great writer, a dynamic speaker or a gifted evangelist. I think that after all this time it's safe to say that if I did have one of those gifts it would probably have emerged by now. I know that I am a good administrator (some have called me borderline OCD, but I prefer to say 'administrator') but I've never really considered it a gift... which is somewhat stupid since it's specifically mentioned in the Bible. The thing is, I've always approached it as a 'fill in' type thing; a way of helping people out while they exercise their gifts. I've never seen it as kingdom work, and thus never been particularly thoughtful about the way I use it.

I have only realised recently (ie, in the last couple of weeks) that administration is not something that is done to allow others to use their gifts; it is itself a gift. Sure, it's a support function, but as part of the body of Christ we're all in support roles, aren't we? We all make up different parts and we're all supposed to be helping each other. Anyway, since it IS a gift I have come to realise that I need to be using it deliberately, rather than just stepping in to help people out as needed. I came to this conclusion about half an hour before going to my Bible study at uni, where the AFES person who looks after the Christian Union work on campus said, "Could you please pray for CU admin stuff, because there are a whole lot of things that needs to be done and no one really has time to do them... and we can't pay anyone." I thought, "Far out, God really doesn't waste any time, does he?" We prayed about it there, and I prayed about it again when I got home. And of course... guess what? I'm now giving CU three hours of my time each week to do admin work. Now there's a surprise. Actually, since I was the one who happened to pray for it during the study, I was in fact my own answer to prayer. Now THAT'S efficient!

I'm also doing some admin stuff for the music team at church, but that's not as regular and won't take up so much time. I feel good about these decisions, even though it impacts on my time. I think what I feel good about is the understanding that I'm doing what I should be doing, not just wandering around looking for little jobs to help people out. Helping people is important, of course, but committing to something on a regular basis can be far more helpful than the one-off stuff.

The other things about which I've always tried to be deliberate is encouragement, although I'm not sure that's necessarily one of my gifts. I try to make sure I'm sending out at least one letter / e-mail / card etc per week, to different people, just to encourage them in whatever they're doing, or to let them know I'm praying for them, or to say whatever happens to be appropriate to their situation at the time. However, I see this as just a regular part of caring for each other, and encouraging fellow believers to stay strong in the Lord - so I don't see it so much as one of MY gifts, but rather as the sort of thing we should all be doing anyway.

And in other news...

Not all that much to report, really. Uni work is taking up my time but should be taking up a lot MORE time... or my time should be used more efficiently, at least. I'm in the process of rewriting an essay where I'm comparing the representations of Andromache in the Iliad and in two of Euripides' plays, Andromache and The Trojan Women. The essay was okay as is, but I'm much happier about the changes and I think it makes it a better essay.

Church is going well and I've been getting to know a few more people, so I feel happier about that. I certainly feel more a part of the place and I'm happy to refer to it as 'my church' instead of 'the church I currently attend', which I guess is a good sign! We're having a weekend away for the women on the long weekend... I have my hesitations about it (long story involving bad experiences with going away with a bunch of women) but I'm going and plan to do my best to have a good time anyway.

For the people who asked me, the poem a couple of entries down was a direct rip-off of "O Tell Me The Truth About Love" by W. H. Auden. (So direct a rip-off that it's exactly the same in places.) It's one of my favourite Auden poems because of the cadence... especially the way it changes as the tone of the stanza changes. I don't know why but it particularly appeals to me in this poem - but then, I'm an Auden fan so I'm somewhat biased. Anyway I was just messing around with it to see if I could... a bit of a mental challenge. Well, why not?

Relationship-killing anger

Great sermon yesterday morning on Matthew 5 vv 21-26; the bit in the sermon on the mount where Jesus talks about anger, and reconciling with each other before leaving gifts at the altar. The person preaching pointed out that this is the first of several sections that starts "You have heard it said... now I say to you...", which links it back to verse 17 where Jesus says he has not come to abolish the Law but to fulfil it - so the following sections teach his listeners how to obey the Law. He said that the Pharisees were all about 'list-ticking' to determine whether they were righteous, but that by their list-ticking they defined and controlled righteousness instead of hungering after it.

One thing that really stood out from the sermon is that it's all about relationships. In verse 22 where it talks about being angry with your brother and calling him a fool, the important point there is not the words 'you fool', but the fact that he is your brother. The words 'you fool' are just indicative of the attitude that breaks relationships. It's significant that they were told to restore relationships before making sacrifices at the altar - and that's a pretty big thing for a Jew at that time, since sacrifices were necessary for them to get right with God. Also, I'd never noticed in verse 23 that it says we are to reconcile with the person who has something against us, rather than the other way around... so really we're never off the hook! No matter who is in the right, we are called to seek reconciliation. Jesus died to bring us into relationship with God AND with each other, and we just can't ignore this. As was said in the sermon yesterday, "How can we be people who are totally reliant on grace but remain ungracious?"

Hatred

I had a conversation recently about dealing with emotions etc, and specifically about dealing with hatred towards us - which is a topic that tends to crop up amongst Christians, what with the Bible saying the world will hate us and all... It led me to thinking, though, that in some ways indifference can be far more damaging than hatred. At least with hatred there's something to fight against, but how does one fight the nothingness of indifference? I don't know much about this, but I imagine that when people contemplate suicide it's often because they feel that no one cares, not because they feel hated. How do we stop people feeling unloved and unnoticed?

As a society we're conditioned to look after ourselves and to mind our own business... but maybe it's time we started minding other people's business too. We Christians are usually pretty good at being friendly at morning tea and caring during 'prayer point' time at Bible study, but a simple phone call during the week to say "how are you going?" can make a world of difference to people. Or an e-mail that says, "I'm thinking about you" instead of one that says, "I'm thinking about you... and I think you'd be the perfect person to go on the new roster"! They're only little things but I reckon they could be big things to someone who's feeling lonely and isolated.

Letting go

Tonight is my last evening at my (soon to be) old church. I have mixed feelings about leaving... a large part of what I feel is a sense of relief, because I've been very hurt by both the general lack of love and by a couple of specific incidents. However, I know that holding grudges is one of my worst faults, so I want to try hard to be loving and gracious. I have been at the church for three years and I have some good friends - I don't want to look back on the entire three years with a sense of bitterness, because that would be undeserved. And I'm sure I've played my own part in the lack of love too, so I shouldn't place all the blame with other people. However, I think that leaving is part of what will help me get over the hurt and anger so hopefully I'll be able to maintain good relationships with the friends I have there, and not feel anger or bitterness towards the church. Relying on God's strength for this, of course...

Moving on

I have finally come to a decision about church, and shall be leaving Church1 and staying with Church2 full time in a couple of weeks. It's been a difficult decision in a number of ways. I've been at Church1 for three years and although I haven't felt a real sense of fellowship, and have felt very neglected at times, I do have some friends there. Also, I've agonised over whether I should stay and try to change things rather than leaving and letting the same situation continue.

I suppose in a way leaving is a selfish decision, because I'm moving to a church that meets my social needs. However, it's not just my social needs that have suffered in the last three years. I haven't had anyone to whom I'm accountable; I've had no one to pray with; I've had no one to ask me how I'm going with reading the Bible... and I've really missed these things. Not only have I missed them, but the total lack of accountability has made me completely slack (which is, of course, why accountability is so important), so my Christian walk has suffered. NOT, I hasten to add, that I hold anyone responsible for that except me, but I know myself and I know that it helps me to be accountable and to pray and read the Bible with people.

Anyway, I've made my decision now and I'll be talking to the evening service minister tonight to let him know why I'm leaving, then I'll tell a few other people privately, and make next week my last Sunday there. It's a bit of a scary step to take but I feel good about it.

An unusual event...

People who read this blog regularly will be amazed to realise that I've managed to go a whole week without adding a complaint or a whine... and this entry will be no exception, because I've had a great week and a good day today.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I applied for a part time checkout chick job a week or so ago, and found out on Friday that I was successful, and start in January. Obviously not my ideal job but perfect for a student - this store prefers to put people on as part-time staff, not casual, so I'll get regular hours and be able to accrue holiday pay. I think I'll be casual for a little while, though.

Today I was invited out for lunch by the same family who took me out last week, plus another member of their family. It was fun and relaxed... and just nice to have some social time with people. I've missed that so much.

Finally - or perhaps, primarily - partly as the result of listening to a song, of all things,* which really spoke to my 'behind-thinks' (to paraphrase a character in John Wyndham's The Chrysalids), I realised this week that I don't have a heart of stone and I do, in fact, long for heaven just a little bit. This may not sound like a big deal, but for about 5 years I have wanted nothing to do with God (despite behaving like Super-Christian); in fact I have been seriously angry with him, for a number of reasons. Long story which I won't go into here... but anyway, God has healed me of that in a way that I can only call miraculous. I keep wanting to walk up to strangers and say, "Hey, guess what? I like God!" I feel like a new person... although I guess I've just been reminded that I am already a new person, and should be living like one. Praise God!

* (I say, "a song, of all things" because it is totally outside my experience to be so affected by a song - even a Christian song - that it would cause me to change the way I think and behave. I like music, obviously... but this was different - which shows that even ordinary things can be life changing when God wants to use them.)

Birthday

It was my birthday yesterday and I had an unexpectedly delightful day. I was all prepared to wallow in self pity because I am interstate from all my family and friends, but I didn't have a chance. Just as well, really... that kind of thing should not be encouraged!

I went to church in the morning and was accosted immediately after the service by friends who offered to take me out to lunch. We went to the Airstream Cafe, which had nice food (at least, my BLT foccacia was nice) at a reasonable price... not cheap, but not outrageous. Particularly cheap for me, since they generously paid for my meal. It was a nice, relaxed afternoon with lots of friendly conversation. This is a family I don't know very well so I enjoyed chatting with them about the deep and the superficial. (I mentioned the TV show 'Black Books' and they said they liked it. I thought to myself, "I knew you were my kind of people!") We wandered off down the road afterwards for coffee, gelato and more conversation. When we eventually separated to head home the wife of the couple gave me one of her CDs, which we'd been discussing earlier (I already have her other solo CDs but not this one). There was a struggle going on inside me between the thoughts, "Artists really should be paid for their work, even if they're friends" and "Woo-hoo! A free CD!" The latter thought won.

I came home to find a card from my housemate, containing a poem telling me to go look in the garage. I found a mug filled with Maltesers (yum) and another poem telling me to look in my linen cupboard. There I found a bottle of perfume and a final poem directing me elsewhere, where I found a glass serving platter. It was lots of fun and the gifts were lovely too.

In the afternoon I went to my other church, where friends approached me and invited me back to their house for cake (baked in honour of my birthday) and coffee. The teenage daughters of the family had made me a card on their computer, and they all sang happy birthday and made me blow out candles (not the full number for my age, though... I don't think they had that many...)

In addition to all this love and care I also had a number of text messages and phone calls from people in my home town. All in all, a truly delightful day!

Love, Corinthian style

Bible study today was on 1 Corinthians 13 (the 'love' chapter that people are always using for weddings). It's interesting to look at it in context, because if it's viewed in conjuction with chapters 11 to 14 it's far from the warm, fuzzy chapter that it's often considered. It's really an indictment on the Corinthians - "this is how you should be using your gifts and this is how you should be treating each other... and you're doing the opposite". Taken in that light, the bit about 'when I was a child, I thought like a child... when I became a man I put childish things behind me' must have been a real slap in the face for them. And for us, potentially.

We talked about some specific examples. One thing that we all seem to have trouble with is "love keeps no record of wrongs", because holding a grudge seems to come so naturally to us. Often, too, we don't even fully realise we've been storing things up until we get into arguments that quickly degenerate into accusations of "you always do this or that", rather than addressing the one thing that the argument was about in the first place. This is something with which I particularly struggle - often I let things go because I tell myself they're not worth arguing about (and they're not) but find myself stewing over them later, which intensifies my reaction to whatever it was the next time it happens. The solution doesn't seem to be to address the things at the time, because they're often really not worth discussion, so I need to work on genuinely letting go of things instead of merely convincing myself that I've let go of them.

At the end of the study someone prayed for undergrad students who are undertaking exams (of which I am one). He prayed that the students would use the time to rely on God, to pray and to read the Bible... to my shame, I have to say that's probably the last thing I'd think of doing (or praying about) at the moment. Hmmm... time to re-evaluate my priorities...

Still no verdict

Well, I've been attending two churches for a bit over two months now and I'm no closer to deciding whether I shall dump one. I suspect I'll continue to go to both. Church2 has a new minister so I've been waiting to see how things go there - it will take a while for him to settle in and for the church to settle in to him being there. His preaching is okay although not very meaty and he very obviously (to me, at least) holds back on some of the more controversial issues. I don't know whether this is because he doesn't want to make waves just yet, or because he takes a soft stance anyway. I suspect it's both, actually, which is a little disappointing but not surprising, given both the particular demonination and the city in which I live.

Church1, on the other hand, continues to have excellent teaching but is not overwhelming me with friendliness. I shall possibly (probably) be flatting with a friend next year - rather than boarding, which I'm doing now - so that may give me opportunities to demonstrate hospitality... perhaps they'll get the hint! Not that I can do too much of that since I'm a student and on a tight budget - plus I want to be fair to my housemate who may not want people over all the time - but a few invitations here and there might help to thaw out a few people. To be fair, 'thaw out' is not the correct term. They're very friendly when we're all at church; they're just not great at keeping in contact at other times, which means if I miss church no one bothers to see if I'm still alive or not. That kind of neglect can become rather soul-destroying after a while. I've lived here (and attended the same church) for just under three years and in that time I've been invited to the homes of three people... and apart from one lovely family, I've only been invited the once. I'm not expecting people to go all out for me but demonstrating a desire to know me as a person, outside the two hours or so they see me on a Sunday, would be nice.

Anyway... whinge whinge.

Uni update: wow, it's hectic. Classes have finished but I still have two essays to hand in and two exams to do - one with an essay and a literary criticism and the other is a Greek exam, so I'll need to put in lots of study for it. All in all, I'm very busy and feeling a little overwhelmed but fortunately I work fairly well under pressure so hopefully I'll get it all done without wanting to undertake a ritual suicide...