Grant application

In 2007 I started an Honours year at uni - which I ended up having to defer indefinitely due to some health issues, but I might get back to it eventually. While I was still there I was struggling financially to the point where I thought I'd have to drop out for a while and find a full time job. My supervisor encouraged me to apply for an Equity Scholarship. This was a $2,000 one-off payment to people who could demonstrate that their current situation was having a detrimental effect on their ability to study. I had to fill in an application form and explain my current circumstances (basically a begging letter). I filled in a proper application but I also wrote the following and forwarded it to my supervisor ask if she thought it would be suitable...

Poverty can be a cow
I'm sure you understand
But it seems you're getting sick
Of students holding out their hand

I know you need good reasons
For handing out the dough
Well, you'll want to give me money
When you hear this tale of woe

I always do my homework
Except for when I'm slack
But it's hard to sit and type
With this sore and twisted back

I can dimly see the teacher
So my eyesight seems okay
I think I need new glasses
But I don't know how I'll pay

My hearing's causing problems
I can't hear people speak
Lip reading's proving handy
But it doesn't help in Greek

I don't want you to worry
If I don't appear one day
I can't get out of bed
But the doc says I'm okay

I went to do some shopping
But my car broke down again
I tried to write a cheque
But I couldn't find a pen

My shoes are torn and tattered
And my clothes are wearing thin
Though I found a nice warm jacket
While rifling through the bin

My kitchen cupboard's looking bare
With neither jar nor box
I really need some money
Or I'll have to eat my socks

I have a limp, a leer, a squint
My hair falls out in clumps
The doctor checked my heartbeat
And said it rattles, skips and jumps

A scholarship would help me
It couldn't make things worse
And it will save you from the pain
Of this dodgy rhyming verse

I didn't send the poem but I did get the scholarship, as well as a $3,000 merit scholarship - to which, frankly, I wasn't really entitled. My marks were very good but they need to be exceptional for that scholarship. My wonderfully supportive supervisor had a hand in that although she wouldn't admit to it.

I still wonder what would have happened if I'd submitted the poem...
.

I'm smart. No, really... I can prove it.

My degree arrived on Friday. Well, the certificate arrived, anyway - technically I qualified to graduate at the end of 2006 but it took me a while to get my act together to apply to graduate. In 2007 I started an Honours year but had some significant health issues during the year so decided it would be better to defer Honours for a while. I applied to withdraw in good standing, which means my Honours work stays on record at the university for ten years and I can re-enrol and finish it off at any time during those ten years. In most cases when you do Honours you graduate from the whole thing (the degree plus the Honours year) at the same time but since deferring Honours I was starting to feel like the preceding three years - the degree part - hadn't counted for anything. So, I decided to graduate from the degree, although I didn't attend the ceremony. Really not my thing at all... plus, it's an Arts degree and my surname is a fair way down the alphabet - I wasn't keen to sit for two or three hours waiting for the 20 seconds of glory when my name is called.

I had mixed feelings when I saw the certificate. I didn't go to uni when I finished high school, so starting a degree at age 34 was in some ways the fulfilment of a dream. Still, I wonder about my real motivation when I decided to quit my job, move interstate and start a whole new life studying something that has no practical use in the real world (I majored in Classical Studies and minored in English). Although I went to uni largely for enjoyment - and I did love studying - there is a little part of me that wanted to prove something. To myself? To other people? I'm not sure. And what does it prove, anyway? That I'm intelligent? Well, not really - if anything it proves that I learned the 'secret' of good essay writing, which has very little to do with intelligence. It also proves I have a good memory, since much of my Latin and ancient Greek study was simple memorisation. Does it prove that I'm "as good as" the people who went on to tertiary study straight after school? Or perhaps "as good as" the people who worked in the exact same job as me but were paid slightly more simply because they had degrees... despite the fact that I trained them and I supervised their work (yeah, that one still rankles).

This all makes me wonder why I need to prove something to other people, or even to myself. I doubt that it's just me; I think most people have a deep insecurity about their own worth. In some people this insecurity lies just below the surface and in others it's buried deep down but wherever it lies, it's there and it can have a profound impact on the way we think and behave. I suspect it's something with which I shall always struggle, but at the same time it is so incredibly freeing to find my worth in Jesus. God sees me through "Jesus-goggles" - because of Christ's death and resurrection on my behalf, God sees me as holy and blameless in Christ. He sees me as his loved and precious creation; he knows me by name and values me as ME, not simply as Nameless Christian #503,486. As happy as I am to have my degree, I am even more happy to know that I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I am of incredible worth to God.

HECS

Or actually HELP, which is what they're calling it now. Perhaps because they help you to the poorhouse. I now owe the government $14,534 for my education (on top of the $1000 or so per year I paid direct to the university for amenities fees and books etc). It amuses me that I owe $14.5K for my education, but said education resulted in a job where I'm earning below the compulsory repayment threshhold.

Bwahahaha! Take that, John Howard!

Study, work and sanity

Another boring update... Firstly, I love my new job. It's exactly what I needed, when I needed it. (Hmmm.... is it possible God IS in control after all??) I have a large degree of autonomy - ie, I can do whatever I like in whatever manner I choose so long as the work gets done. I have already developed a good relationship with the minister so I feel very good about working there.

Secondly, uni. After some agonising I decided to take a complete break from study. I realised I was hating it, and treating Honours like a prison sentence that had to be survived. Given how much I used to enjoy studying, that was very sad, and not at all the way I wanted to approach uni, so I have applied to withdraw in good standing. This means my Honours credits will stay there for ten years and I can return any time within that ten years and pick up where I left off. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm very happy with my decision. I've been getting mixed reactions from people though. Here's a sample:

"About time you made that decision - I thought you should have quit months ago. Now make sure you get out there and start having a life."

"It's a good decision so long as it's only a short break and you go back to what you were doing soon, instead of leaving it for too long."

"You're just doing a 20hr/week admin job now? But what do you want to do with your life?"

"Staying well and keeping sane and safe is a good thing. Honours is good but not worth being crazy for."

"Can you survive on that amount of money?"

"I really hope to work with you again and am sad you're leaving, but you've made the right decision. Looking after yourself is the most important thing."

"But what do you want to do with your life?"

"But what do you want to do with your life?"

"But what..." (you get the idea...)

I can understand the "what do you want to do with your life" question and I probably would have asked it myself if I hadn't had the experiences of the past year. But now I feel differently and I'm not so goal-oriented. Or perhaps I just realised that I was aiming for the wrong goals.

In addition to the church admin job, which is 2.5 days per week, I've kept two of my cleaning jobs. They're both fortnightly on a Monday so I have one cleaning job per week. It's a little extra cash which I don't entirely need, but it helps to get it because I'm paid monthly in the new job... getting the cleaning money weekly will help me survive on the months when I don't budget very well!

Finally, my mental health. Well, my emotions continue to be up and down but the general trend is upwards. There are far fewer really horrendous days and overall I feel a lot more in control of things. Counselling is helping a lot, and pulling out of uni has made a big difference too. When I saw my psychologist this week she said, "You're smiling! It's so great to see you looking a bit happier... you're like a different person. It's a huge change; you have no idea." I said, "Oh yeah, I have an idea!" I'm still working through a whole lot of stuff and I don't feel like I'm my old self yet... but I don't think I'm going to be my old self anyway. There are some things I'm throwing away and there are some things that are healing but leaving scars. I'll be okay in the end, but I can't be the same person. Maybe that's a good thing.

Raining

I've just looked out the window at uni and it's raining. Pouring. (The old man probably IS snoring.) Did I bring an umbrella with me? Of course not.

Faith restored

Just when I was feeling grumpy and had lost all faith in human nature, I went to the markets at uni and discovered that my favourite earring seller is back. (He sells other things, but I've only bought earrings from him.) He's been away for a few weeks and I wondered if he would return. I bought a pair of earrings and chatted with him for a little while about where he's been etc, then mentioned that I had been devastated a few weeks ago to lose one of my favourite earrings, which I'd bought from him several months ago. He asked which they were, so I pointed them out... and he gave me another one so I'd have a complete pair again! I should note that these earrings are sterling silver and more expensive than the cheapy ones I bought today, so it's not like he was getting his money back. When I protested that he now had a lone earring he couldn't sell he said, "Don't worry, I'll make a pendant out of it." (Perhaps he's hoping I'll buy that next week...) Anyway, it was a very nice thing to do and gave me a warm glow!

Yay!

I submitted an essay and an annotated bibliography today. Phew - such a sense of relief to get them out of the way. Still plenty to do, of course, but at least that's two things off my plate... so I have taken the night off and cooked a delicious macaroni/spinach/bacon dish and some pumpkin soup. I've never used this particular pumpkin soup recipe before but the end result looks pretty good. It's not a thick soup but quite tasty. I'll post the recipe another time. Anyway so my freezer is full, which means I won't need to cook again for some weeks (it already had two other soups in there, as well as some spinach pie). I like to have enough food to last through a war... or at least a border skirmish.

Visions

It's really quite hard to know what to do with the visions and prophecies in the Bible. I'm reading through Daniel at the moment and today I read chapter 8, where Daniel has a vision of a ram and goats. Gabriel interprets the vision for him, but at the end Daniel says, "I was appalled by the vision and did not understand it." (Daniel 8 v 27b) While it's somewhat comforting to know that even Daniel didn't quite get it, it does leave me wondering exactly what I'm supposed to take from this? We're working through Daniel in the evening service at church, so I suppose I'll have someone else's views on this in a few weeks... for the moment, what I'm taking from it is that God is in control of all things. Daniel's visions are mostly about the rise and fall of kingdoms and of evil in the world - that's the kind of thing that can be disheartening and leave people wondering what God is doing. I guess it's comforting to know that God is in control of the (seemingly) godless stuff too. (But I'll keep you posted on what is said in the sermon in a few weeks...)

And in other news:
I managed to get a fair bit done on my essay yesterday, so I'm feeling okay about that, even though I'm still way behind in my work. I actually enjoyed what I was studying, too, which is a definite answer to prayer. Honours has not been fun so far, which has been somewhat disappointing given how much I enjoyed the previous three years. Well, I enjoyed the studying... there were plenty of other things going on in life that weren't so enjoyable. Anyway I was starting to feel like this year was tainting everything I've done previously, which would be no way to finish (if I should have to finish after this year).

And while I'm talking about answers to prayer - Melbourne's water storage levels are up to 32%, while Sydney's are up to 55%. They've both increased over the last few weeks; and that's the highest Sydney's has been in ages. Praise God!

God's plans, our plans

Most of the time it's impossible for us to see God's plans except in hindsight, although sometimes things 'feel right', or are clearly the right choice (eg, between something legal or illegal). Usually, however, we just have to trust that God has it all under control.

I started reading Daniel today, and have never noticed before how clearly it states that the captivity to Babylon was part of God's plan. "And the Lord gave Jehoiakim king of Judah into his [Nebuchadnezzar's] hand..." (Daniel 1 v 2) Although Daniel and his friends were faithful Jews, I still think they must have been wondering why on earth God had allowed them to be taken to Babylon. It's all very well to say, "God is in control of all things" but it gets a bit harder when you're the one being taken into captivity... or losing your job or suffering depression or losing a loved one or writing off your car or whatever it might be. I find I'm good at the '20/20 hindsight' part but not so great at the 'trusting God while the crappy stuff is happening' part. I suppose this is where we need to be reading God's word and praying - how can we remember that God is trustworthy unless we're reading the Bible, where we can see time and again that God is trustworthy and faithful? Sadly, we tend to be creatures who need evidence before we'll believe anything. Well, the evidence is there.

And in other news...
I'm still really loving the new prayer routine. I don't know what it was, but writing my prayers seems to have unblocked whatever it was that was making prayer such a chore for me before. I still pray the 'old fashioned' way too, since it's not always convenient to stop and drag out a prayer diary and a pen, but the times I can sit down in peace and write out my prayers are pretty special. Praise God, eh?

And in other other news...
Uni work is getting back on track slowly. Well, I am getting back on track with it. I wrote a new research/writing timetable that has realistic goals this time - boy, that makes a difference! I'm still behind where I should be, but sticking to this timetable will help get me to a point where I'm not panicking - and won't be trying to write an 18,000 word thesis in the last week before it's due.

A new start... again

I seem constantly to make resolutions about changing various areas of my life... then making said resolution again some months later after having slipped back into slothery again. Nevertheless, I woke up this morning determined to get some control over the areas of my life that I've allowed to slip away into lazy and self-destructive habits. With that in mind, I went to the pantry and threw out the remains of the cooking chocolate and the half-jar of Nutella (well, the contents, at least... I kept the jar) and took inventory of the fridge and pantry. Mostly it's pretty good, but that's because it's nearly empty. There's very little junk food but there's not much healthy food either. I'll be going out later to buy some more veges and fruit, and to cook up a few healthy things for the freezer. I think laziness is part of the problem - it's not that I don't like eating healthy stuff; it's that it's easier to make crumpets and honey, or cheese on toast, or a sausage sandwich. High fat, zero vegetable. At least if I have the freezer stocked well there's a chance I'll eat food that's a bit more healthy. I'm also keeping a better track of what I'm eating, because accountability, even if it's just to a notebook, helps me not to graze thoughtlessly.

I also rode my exercise bike this morning - and the fact that I could only manage 10 minutes shows how long it's been since I did any proper exercise. I used to do an hour every day! This afternoon I'll be doing my regular walk with a friend - we walk for about an hour, once a week. It's not enormously strenuous (we can still talk comfortably) but it's still more exercise than I've done in about two years so I'm happy to keep doing it. Even a moderately easy walk for one hour is far better than no walk at all.

Part of this is to lose some weight, as my clothes are getting rather snug and I'm feeling like a blob, but also it's because I know how much better I function in the other areas of my life when I'm eating properly and getting some exercise. My stress levels reduce and my concentration increases. (Hmmm... perhaps there's something in this 'eat properly and get some exercise' thing...) So, between the exercise, the better eating, and the Bible reading and prayer, I'm feeling quite good today. Hopefully this will be reflected in better focus on uni work too.

Giving things to God

It's really quite hard to know when I've truly given something over to God. I've been worrying about my future - partly about the rest of this year, but also about what I'll do next year, and about the end of the year, since my government benefits will cease in November some time, but I won't know until January whether I am eligible for a scholarship for post-grad... and even then it probably wouldn't be paid until March, which means I'll be 4 months with no income. Scary, since I have to pay rent and eat. So anyway I was praying about all this tonight, and I prayed that I would be able to stop worrying and give the situation over to God. The thing is, though, giving something over to God doesn't mean I can entirely dismiss it from my mind. I still need to make a decision about applying for post-grad, I still need to fill in the forms, I still need to think responsibly about how I'll pay the rent at the end of the year. I don't think that handing things to God means we're allowed to turn off our brain, but then that raises the question of whether I've really handed it over to God. I suppose the real indicator will be my stress and worry levels... I suspect I'll need to hand this to God more than once!

In other news:
I'm still enjoying spending time with God, possibly for the first time in my Christian life... which is a little worrying. (Still, better late to this party than not at all.) My struggle at the moment is to make Christianity part of my whole life. Obviously I'm always a Christian, but the temptation is to 'do' God time and leave it at that. Reading the Bible and praying are great things to be doing, but I don't want it to become a case of 'I've done my 20 minutes; now I can get on with my day'. It's a bit of a balancing act and I'm not too good at it at the moment.

The boring details...

I'm reading:
Mrs Pollifax on the China Station by Dorothy Gilman
The book of Acts in The Holy Bible
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

I'm eagerly awaiting the publication of:
First Among Sequels by Jasper Fforde
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J K Rowling
Monster Blood Tattoo: Lamplighter by D M Cornish

I'm watching:
West Wing Season 6
Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 3
Spicks and Specks

I'm reading for uni:
Various articles about the morality of the gods in the Iliad
Various books and articles about Victorian England and their treatment of ancient Greece, particularly in fine art

I'm listening to:
Arriving - Chris Tomlin
See The Morning - Chris Tomlin
The best of James Taylor - James Taylor
Sacred Love - Sting
Secret of the World - Nicky Chiswell
Speechless - Nicky Chiswell
Live in Paris - Diana Krall
Mad About The Boy - Dinah Washington
U218 - U2
A Window in Heaven - The Cafe of the Gate of Salvation
Various 60s, 70s and 80s music to give me energy when doing housework

I'm procrastinating:
...almost constantly, and in various ways (see lists above).

Spiritual gifts

I've been a Christian for 19 years now, and I think for a lot of that time I've been secretly hoping to develop one of the 'sexy' gifts. You know, hoping that I'd suddenly develop musical ability, or discover that I'm a great writer, a dynamic speaker or a gifted evangelist. I think that after all this time it's safe to say that if I did have one of those gifts it would probably have emerged by now. I know that I am a good administrator (some have called me borderline OCD, but I prefer to say 'administrator') but I've never really considered it a gift... which is somewhat stupid since it's specifically mentioned in the Bible. The thing is, I've always approached it as a 'fill in' type thing; a way of helping people out while they exercise their gifts. I've never seen it as kingdom work, and thus never been particularly thoughtful about the way I use it.

I have only realised recently (ie, in the last couple of weeks) that administration is not something that is done to allow others to use their gifts; it is itself a gift. Sure, it's a support function, but as part of the body of Christ we're all in support roles, aren't we? We all make up different parts and we're all supposed to be helping each other. Anyway, since it IS a gift I have come to realise that I need to be using it deliberately, rather than just stepping in to help people out as needed. I came to this conclusion about half an hour before going to my Bible study at uni, where the AFES person who looks after the Christian Union work on campus said, "Could you please pray for CU admin stuff, because there are a whole lot of things that needs to be done and no one really has time to do them... and we can't pay anyone." I thought, "Far out, God really doesn't waste any time, does he?" We prayed about it there, and I prayed about it again when I got home. And of course... guess what? I'm now giving CU three hours of my time each week to do admin work. Now there's a surprise. Actually, since I was the one who happened to pray for it during the study, I was in fact my own answer to prayer. Now THAT'S efficient!

I'm also doing some admin stuff for the music team at church, but that's not as regular and won't take up so much time. I feel good about these decisions, even though it impacts on my time. I think what I feel good about is the understanding that I'm doing what I should be doing, not just wandering around looking for little jobs to help people out. Helping people is important, of course, but committing to something on a regular basis can be far more helpful than the one-off stuff.

The other things about which I've always tried to be deliberate is encouragement, although I'm not sure that's necessarily one of my gifts. I try to make sure I'm sending out at least one letter / e-mail / card etc per week, to different people, just to encourage them in whatever they're doing, or to let them know I'm praying for them, or to say whatever happens to be appropriate to their situation at the time. However, I see this as just a regular part of caring for each other, and encouraging fellow believers to stay strong in the Lord - so I don't see it so much as one of MY gifts, but rather as the sort of thing we should all be doing anyway.

End of semester

It's officially the end of semester tomorrow and I'm feeling quite relieved. The beginning of semester was a crazy, anxious, stressful time and I'm very happy that settled down eventually. At least now my stresses are mostly about uni work, and occasionally about money, but not about uni work AND money AND sleeplessness (caused by aforementioned uni stresses and money stresses).

I still have plenty of work ahead of me, and the so-called 'break' between semesters is when I've agreed with my supervisor to get all my coursework finished, so it will be quite busy. However, it will leave me with no other distractions next semester, thus I'll be able to concentrate exclusively on my thesis... that's a little scary!

I had my last Greek class today - I don't need to do it next semester - and I feel bad that I hardly devoted any time to it this semester. I do enjoy studying the language and I want to be good at it, but I had so many things to do this semester that it was severely neglected. I think my final mark is something like 82%, but that's only because my teacher is quite generous in her marking. I certainly haven't consolidated the grammar properly and it's all rather confused in my head. At Campus Bible Talks yesterday I met a girl who wanted to learn Latin but couldn't fit it into her timetable, so she's been teaching herself. She studies Latin (with absolutely no assistance) on her own for half an hour every morning. I felt ashamed - I've been enrolled in the subject and I haven't done as much study as she does! Surely I could manage half an hour a day?

And speaking of allocating half an hour a day... I haven't been anywhere near my Bible for weeks - and if the weeks were added up it would work out to 'months'... but weeks sounds better! My prayers have been short and thoughtless, and rarely about other people (or God, for that matter). It's pretty disgraceful really, given that it's been a mere six months since I had an experience of God that was so awesome and real that I felt like I'd had the conversion experience I never had the first time, having come to know God in a 'slow and steady wins the race' kind of way as a teenager. It was life-changing (I wrote about it very very briefly here) and despite my current apathy I'm still feeling the results of being turned around by God last November - but it didn't take me long to fall into old habits and behave like God is irrelevant, did it? It's definitely time for this situation to change!

Getting up earlier to pray never works for me; I just end up turning off the alarm and then feeling guilty. Saving it until I go to bed is equally disastrous. (I think the moral there is that it's not good to try to listen to God, and talk to him, in the sleepiest part of the day.) However, I've devised a cunning plan... although I don't have classes as such, I still drive to uni every day so I can do some study away from the distractions of home, and so I don't associate home with constant stress and anxiety. I park a couple of streets away from the campus, outside the home of friends, and it's nice and quiet in the street. I think I'll park there, spend some time with God and then walk over to the campus. It's not like I have to be on campus at a certain time, so I have no real excuses - although I'm sure I'll be able to come up with something! Anyway, that's the plan for the moment.

And in other news...

Not all that much to report, really. Uni work is taking up my time but should be taking up a lot MORE time... or my time should be used more efficiently, at least. I'm in the process of rewriting an essay where I'm comparing the representations of Andromache in the Iliad and in two of Euripides' plays, Andromache and The Trojan Women. The essay was okay as is, but I'm much happier about the changes and I think it makes it a better essay.

Church is going well and I've been getting to know a few more people, so I feel happier about that. I certainly feel more a part of the place and I'm happy to refer to it as 'my church' instead of 'the church I currently attend', which I guess is a good sign! We're having a weekend away for the women on the long weekend... I have my hesitations about it (long story involving bad experiences with going away with a bunch of women) but I'm going and plan to do my best to have a good time anyway.

For the people who asked me, the poem a couple of entries down was a direct rip-off of "O Tell Me The Truth About Love" by W. H. Auden. (So direct a rip-off that it's exactly the same in places.) It's one of my favourite Auden poems because of the cadence... especially the way it changes as the tone of the stanza changes. I don't know why but it particularly appeals to me in this poem - but then, I'm an Auden fan so I'm somewhat biased. Anyway I was just messing around with it to see if I could... a bit of a mental challenge. Well, why not?

Trying to write a paper...

Is it possible that attending a seminar on writer's block has given me writer's block??

100 words down... many, many more to go!

Edit:
Yay, it's finished! It's for an oral presentation, which I'll be doing today. I've followed the Law of Presentations - ie, it doesn't matter what the content is like so long as there are impressive Powerpoint slides.

Writer's block

I went to a seminar yesterday on overcoming writer's block when writing a thesis. It was quite useful - the seminar leader pointed out that writer's block is more about habit than ability - she said, "writer's block is the authorial equivalent of letting muscles go to waste, but 'exercise' can compensate for inspiration (or lack thereof)." The bit I really liked, though, was at the beginning where she put up a slide that said:

Your thesis should be...

• an opportunity to become passionately excited about your topic
• an opportunity to explore your topic in more depth than previously possible
• an opportunity to engage in independent scholarship
• an opportunity to become a grown-up - a bona fide academic!

We all nodded dubiously (clearly thinking "does everyone else in the room really feel excited about this?") until she put up the next slide:

...but all too often it is

• a super clean bedroom
• accumulation of several dress sizes
  
• adoption of various nasty habits
• perpetuation of facial blemishes
• an extended masterclass in whinging and procrastination

At that, we all nodded much more vigorously! It was actually good to know that everyone else there is feeling the same stresses and fears, and employing the same procrastination techniques for the same reasons. Anyway she gave us some excellent strategies to use... which will no doubt still be painful for a while since none of us has been doing the 'exercise', so to speak, but I reckon it will be good once I break through the pain barrier.

Continued blessings

When I received the letters about the scholarships (a mere four days ago) I thought, "If I can just pick up two more cleaning jobs I'll be able to quit the checkout chick job and just do the cleaning." The way it works is, I get a student benefit from the government, but this reduces if I earn over a certain amount. So I was working at the supermarket, losing money from the government benefit and working two cleaning jobs to make up for what I was losing by working at the supermarket. By taking on extra cleaning jobs I'll end up with roughly the same in the hand but I'll be earning it in 8 hours per week instead of 20... and that was the real issue for me, because it felt like I was spending all my time working and was trying to fit uni in around it. Madness.

Anyway, in the last four days I have managed to pick up three more cleaning jobs, which means I actually have five, but two of them are fortnightly on alternate weeks so it's only four per week. I said to my housemate this morning, "I can't believe I said I need more cleaning jobs and they've just appeared almost instantly!" (To which he replied, "And you've been a Christian for how long??") So I quit my supermarket job today and am now chatting with all my cleanees to work out suitable days. I'd like to split them over two days because I'm not particularly keen on doing eight hours of cleaning on one day!

I was chatting with another friend today about the way I'm constantly surprised when God provides for me in this way (these "coincidences"). She said, "It just shows how broken we are, when we can't leave things in God's hands and are so surprised when he looks after us." Unfortunately, so true.

Relief

Praise God, I have just been awarded not one, but TWO scholarships! I'm not a millionaire now or anything, and I still need to work in order to do wild and crazy things like eat and pay the rent, but this gives me a lot more breathing space than I had previously, and has relieved some major pressures (which would probably explain why my first reaction was to burst into tears and cry for about 30 minutes... apparently I was a little more stressed about this than I'd realised.)

Is there a way of saying "God is great" without it sounding like "God is great because he gives me stuff"?? Nevertheless, God IS great, whether or not he gives me "stuff"... and he gave me Jesus, who is waaay better than any old scholarship! Well, anyway, no matter how it sounds the fact is I am very grateful to my loving, compassionate and gracious God who continues to provide for me.

Great evening; unpleasant end

I had some friends around to dinner last night and it was a lovely evening (eventually... they ended up being an hour late, for reasons beyond their control, but better late than not at all). I cleaned up and did a few things after they left and got to bed around midnight... at which point I realised that my mildly annoying sore throat had become a raging sore throat and was now coupled with sinus pain, a headache and a snuffly nose.

After several hours of tossing and turning and unsettled dozing I decided to ring work this morning and tell them I'm sick and can't come in. (I also woke up with chest pain, although that seems to have gone now and was probably just congestion.) Anyway, I don't think my supervisor was impressed with me at all. I've only been there about 6 weeks so I suppose she's wondering if this is likely to be a regular occurrence, but still... I can't help getting sick and I really don't want to be coughing and sneezing all over my customers and their groceries. I suppose if I keep getting crappy shifts - or no shifts - I'll be able to work out whether or not she was annoyed with me!

And in other news:
I am having some trouble settling in to research mode in my reading for uni. I have a whole lot of little assessments due this year, as well as the thesis, and there are no real deadlines so I don't have my head around them yet. I need to sit down, work out exactly what's due, create some deadlines for myself and then work out my topics. But not right now because I really need to go back to bed.