Firstly, thank you to those who commented on my last post or contacted me via email. Your care, support and prayers mean so much to me and you help more than you know.
I'm still not feeling quite up to my usual self. I think this has been building up for a little while now and this week it all rose up like a wave and dumped me on the sand. Apparently, this is called a STUG - a Sudden, Temporary Upsurge of Grief. (Where would we be without handy acronyms?) Good name, since that's exactly how it felt... and I'm always strangely comforted to hear that what I'm experiencing is normal and textbook. This is the kind of situation where I want to be boring and run of the mill.
It's been a strange week. If I'd had my way I think I would have stayed in bed all week and licked my wounds but of course I had to go to work. My emotions have been all over the place - one night I came home and cried because my letter box only had junk mail in it, another night I was almost beside myself with rage because a salesperson rang trying to get me to change electricity providers, and another night I happily did some painting and watched TV and felt pretty good for a few hours. Underneath it all, though, I've been feeling sad and overwhelmed. Not in despair but definitely struggling and unable to see a way out. My long-suffering counsellor, who deserves far more money than I can afford to pay her, has been patiently answering my emails all week, which have all been a variation on the same theme - "Tell me that this won't last forever. Tell me that healing is possible. Tell me this is okay. Tell me that I can do it. And now tell me again, please." So she told me and told me and told me again, every time I asked the exact same thing. The answer didn't change - "yes, healing will come" - but sometimes I just need to keep hearing it, and I'm trying so hard to believe it.
And now... I'm beginning to emerge from the wave. I'm struggling and I'm not free of it yet but it will come. And so will healing.
.
I'm still not feeling quite up to my usual self. I think this has been building up for a little while now and this week it all rose up like a wave and dumped me on the sand. Apparently, this is called a STUG - a Sudden, Temporary Upsurge of Grief. (Where would we be without handy acronyms?) Good name, since that's exactly how it felt... and I'm always strangely comforted to hear that what I'm experiencing is normal and textbook. This is the kind of situation where I want to be boring and run of the mill.
It's been a strange week. If I'd had my way I think I would have stayed in bed all week and licked my wounds but of course I had to go to work. My emotions have been all over the place - one night I came home and cried because my letter box only had junk mail in it, another night I was almost beside myself with rage because a salesperson rang trying to get me to change electricity providers, and another night I happily did some painting and watched TV and felt pretty good for a few hours. Underneath it all, though, I've been feeling sad and overwhelmed. Not in despair but definitely struggling and unable to see a way out. My long-suffering counsellor, who deserves far more money than I can afford to pay her, has been patiently answering my emails all week, which have all been a variation on the same theme - "Tell me that this won't last forever. Tell me that healing is possible. Tell me this is okay. Tell me that I can do it. And now tell me again, please." So she told me and told me and told me again, every time I asked the exact same thing. The answer didn't change - "yes, healing will come" - but sometimes I just need to keep hearing it, and I'm trying so hard to believe it.
And now... I'm beginning to emerge from the wave. I'm struggling and I'm not free of it yet but it will come. And so will healing.
.
4 comments:
Yes, the healing WILL come. I admire your bravery *hugs*
I understand the need to hear it again and again and again.
And all this week we've been emailing about MY problems and I've been asking you questions about ME and all that's going on in MY life ...
I knew you were in a tricky place, but in my selfishness I hadn't got around to asking you how you were going. I am sorry, dear friend.
STUG. Good acronym. Thank heavens, literally, for the "T" in STUG.
Givinya, my dear friend, you have no reason to be sorry. None. You needed to talk, and when you NEED it that's all there is to it. I was, and am, happy to provide an ear and a long-distance shoulder.
Swift Jan, you are a gem and I very much appreciate the way you are always there with an encouraging comment. It helps.
I am praying for you and for the transformation that God can bring in Jesus. Love Carmelina
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